I am
going to share now what I have been debating with myself for quite some
time about sharing. A little over two years ago when I went through a
tremendous health scare, I was surrounded by fellow Christians. The
doctrine that this particular group of friends adheres to teaches that
"the" initial evidence of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is speaking
in tongues. Because receiving the Holy Spirit is necessary for
salvation, this group of friends feels it is a priority to guide people
into the process that, in their eyes, is receiving the Holy Spirit. My
issue arose in not truly knowing the details of this doctrine (among
other doctrines) for several months and in having this health scare
within weeks of becoming involved in this group. I have never been more
terrified in my life than when I went through this scare. I hated
every doctor's visit. I dreaded any tests. To this day, I get pretty
stressed when it comes time for my yearly check-up.
Here is
where authenticity comes into play. I am trying to write this as
sensitively as possible while still conveying the emotion I felt. Each
week, as I was going through this scare, I would have a group of people
gather around me and tell me to just give it to God. They would
encourage me to let God take control. In my mind, with what I was going
through, they were praying with me about this trial that I was going
through. I felt comforted. I felt loved. If I had known originally
that they were trying to get me to speak in tongues, I may have left
this group; but at least I would have respected their honesty.
However, it was only through piecing together teachings from Bible
studies and a few sermons (from visiting evangelists) that I came to
understand this doctrine. Call me stupid, but in all my years of
studying theology and even from my early years of growing up in
Foursquare and Assemblies of God churches, I had no idea that there was a
doctrine that felt speaking in tongues was the only evidence of
receiving the Holy Spirit and, (although it was not taught directly),
salvation. (My family did leave these churches when I was relatively
young - around nine or ten probably. That may have been the reason I
did not realize this doctrine).
When I realized that my
fellow believers had been praying for me to "receive the Holy Spirit,"
with little regard for the very real issue I was going through, I had
the hardest time handling that. This coupled with an emphasis on
holiness and doctrines of works were more than I can fathom. I truly
went into a depression. I did not know why God had allowed me to come
to this group of people. I had no clue why He was making me feel like I
was supposed to be there. I now believe I had to go through this two
years in order to come to terms with what I believe. That was my time
of struggling - of wrestling - with God. I most definitely had my hip
pulled out of place. And God has made me stronger in His calling and
His purpose. I cannot allow anyone now to take what I know of God from
me.
So this leads me back to authenticity. When any
Christian church tries to lure people into Christianity with lights and
music and whatever else, that indicates an agenda. It is not
authenticity. I have fallen into this trap as well. There are so many
evangelistic strategies. I'm sure I've studied many of them through
college classes and church meetings. Until I went through something
that taught me what it feels like, I had no problem with these
strategies. But now I know that no one needs that. To put it bluntly,
no one deserves that kind of torture - to believe people really and
truly care about what they are going through only to discover it's a
strategy, an agenda, or a project. That is nothing short of cruelty.
And the Jesus I know isn't into cruelty.
What God has taught
me through my experiences is never to hide what I am, what I believe,
what I stand for. People can love me or hate me. People can take or
leave me. But I cannot hide that. I won't put someone else through
what I have been through in the name of Christianity.
Just some thoughts today.
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