I've Already Mourned My Losses
I have wondered what is wrong with me. Why do I not feel as anxious and depressed as everyone else feels at this time? Why am I not going stir crazy sitting in the house? Why do I not miss the life I had just a few weeks ago?
Tonight, a Facebook friend posted about mourning losses at this time. What an elegant statement that gave me the words - words that explain why I do not feel the emotions everyone else feels right now. I do not feel the need to mourn my losses because I already have.
I mourned my losses when I was mocked and criticized as a teenager and young adult by the very people who should have been understanding and caring. I mourned my losses when I was pregnant and not yet legally married and was told by a relative who figured out my pregnancy the only reasons I would not go to the doctor for having a cold were not good ones. I mourned my losses when a pastor ousted me from the activities I loved in the church I had served because my future husband was not a Christian, but a relative's physically and emotionally abusive future husband absolutely loved her. This pastor just knew it, so he proclaimed at the relative's wedding ceremony. I mourned my losses when a spiritually-abusive church met me when I was at my lowest emotionally and caused me to question everything about my life and relationship with God. I mourned my losses when people I trusted in a homeschooling group proclaimed in front of a room full of people my line of thought about education is ungodly and deemed me unworthy of being a part because I support gay rights. I mourned my losses when church leaders questioned my parenting because of my son's learning differences. I mourned my losses when friends only wanted to share their own problems but never had time to listen to my problems or interests. I mourned my losses even this past month when a supposed civil servant belittled me publicly for my concern about groups of people meeting in the midst of a deadly virus. I mourn my losses when I share my feelings and others accuse me of self-pity. I have mourned these losses over and over again. I have journaled them. I have cried over them. I would like to say I have healed from them, but that process has only just begun.
I have no losses to mourn at this time. At this time, I am away from those who gave me losses to mourn. I am away from the indirect control of people who expect me to think and believe how they do (or at least pretend I do) in order to have their acceptance. I have not felt such relief as I do at this time in so many years.
My heart breaks for those who have been affected by the virus - for those who have lost loved ones. If I had my way, this pandemic would never have been. However, it has made me see what new changes I need to make in my life - changes on which I am working. Once those changes are made, perhaps I can feel the need to mourn the losses others do. Right now, I am doing my best to keep my family physically safe and enjoying the time of solitude. The best I can do now is pray for those who are currently mourning losses, which I do.
Tonight, a Facebook friend posted about mourning losses at this time. What an elegant statement that gave me the words - words that explain why I do not feel the emotions everyone else feels right now. I do not feel the need to mourn my losses because I already have.
I mourned my losses when I was mocked and criticized as a teenager and young adult by the very people who should have been understanding and caring. I mourned my losses when I was pregnant and not yet legally married and was told by a relative who figured out my pregnancy the only reasons I would not go to the doctor for having a cold were not good ones. I mourned my losses when a pastor ousted me from the activities I loved in the church I had served because my future husband was not a Christian, but a relative's physically and emotionally abusive future husband absolutely loved her. This pastor just knew it, so he proclaimed at the relative's wedding ceremony. I mourned my losses when a spiritually-abusive church met me when I was at my lowest emotionally and caused me to question everything about my life and relationship with God. I mourned my losses when people I trusted in a homeschooling group proclaimed in front of a room full of people my line of thought about education is ungodly and deemed me unworthy of being a part because I support gay rights. I mourned my losses when church leaders questioned my parenting because of my son's learning differences. I mourned my losses when friends only wanted to share their own problems but never had time to listen to my problems or interests. I mourned my losses even this past month when a supposed civil servant belittled me publicly for my concern about groups of people meeting in the midst of a deadly virus. I mourn my losses when I share my feelings and others accuse me of self-pity. I have mourned these losses over and over again. I have journaled them. I have cried over them. I would like to say I have healed from them, but that process has only just begun.
I have no losses to mourn at this time. At this time, I am away from those who gave me losses to mourn. I am away from the indirect control of people who expect me to think and believe how they do (or at least pretend I do) in order to have their acceptance. I have not felt such relief as I do at this time in so many years.
My heart breaks for those who have been affected by the virus - for those who have lost loved ones. If I had my way, this pandemic would never have been. However, it has made me see what new changes I need to make in my life - changes on which I am working. Once those changes are made, perhaps I can feel the need to mourn the losses others do. Right now, I am doing my best to keep my family physically safe and enjoying the time of solitude. The best I can do now is pray for those who are currently mourning losses, which I do.
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