Trauma, Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD - You are Not Alone

There are no photographs in this post. There are no bullet points or pretty colors for fonts.  There's only raw experience in the following words.  

This week, I had the worst anxiety attack I have had in almost ten years.  This anxiety attack took me to the emergency room, where I had an EKG, bloodwork, and a chest x-ray, and led to physical symptoms that even caused me to be tested for COVID.  (The results were negative).  I may have had a touch of a virus as well, but I do believe a good part of my symptoms were the result of anxiety.  Some of these symptoms included heart palpitations, difficulty catching my breath, high adrenaline that felt like shocks in my body, weakness, muscle aches, nausea, diarrhea, and even a congested nose with little to no mucus.  I fully believe I have been facing a week-long anxiety attack that is only just now diminishing.  

Anyone who does not believe trauma is real, who feels OCD is a cute reaction to non-matching colors or crooked edges, or who tells victims of PTSD to just get over it has never experienced a real anxiety attack. They have never experienced a trigger and been thrown into physical and mental symptoms they cannot escape.  They have never tried to push their body to ignore this reaction. They have never tried to reason with themselves that there is nothing wrong - to just get on with life. They have never pleaded with God for answers. They just never have.  

I have been pushing myself into situations that I know are triggering for several months.  The past few weeks have brought even more difficult circumstances for me.  They may be circumstances that others could handle.  However, that does not make these circumstances any less traumatic or valid for me.  They do not mean I don't have faith. They do not mean I am not strong enough. They mean my body has a memory of past trauma that these everyday experiences triggered.  My body then reacted. 

Believe it or not, when trauma survivors experience an anxiety attack, they know it is not sensible. They know their OCD or PTSD responses are illogical.  Like me, many survivors will push their way through circumstances that they know are triggering and later experience the psychological and physical effects.  

The best way I have found to deal with such anxiety is to wait until it lifts and then to discuss it.  I do not just discuss the anxiety itself. I also find I need to talk about why I felt the way I did.  For me, this anxiety attack was brought on by a feeling that I could not make a mistake.  I would be punished, I would experience consequences, if I were to make a mistake. There has been a conglomeration of events that led to this feeling.  

As I have shared many times, my great battle is with OCD - scrupulosity or religious OCD, in particular.  This is an intensity that is hard wired into my very fibre from both childhood and adult experiences. It is not a pleasant experience.  

When I experienced these recent events, I also felt there was no way to discuss them.  Discussions, also, would lead to consequences.  This has built up and built up until my mind and body reacted. Even tonight, discussing some about this response, I felt my heart rate rise. It was involuntary. 

I feel the need to write this post as a part of my healing and also as a part of that discussion.  I want to let others who feel or experience this know they are not alone. I want to educate the doubters. I want to correct individuals who add extra trauma to those who are trying to do their best.  Don't be one of those who mock trauma survivors. Don't take a pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality.  That only makes it worse for those survivors. 

I just recently saw an article that reported a study of descendants of Jewish Holocaust survivors.  Studies are showing the very genetic makeup of descendants of trauma survivors is altered. Imagine how the genetic makeup, the mind, the body, the body's chemical reactions are changed in the survivors themselves.  Never, ever doubt the effects of trauma, of abuse (physical, mental, psychological, spiritual, or sexual) on the victims.  As in my case, never doubt the effects of legalistic religious doctrine. If you must err, err on the side of mercy rather than judgment.  And never use the words, "Just think positively," "Just move on," or "Just get over it."  I know for me, such statements will earn a quick distancing from me.