Knowing Who I Am

I have written much about my struggle with knowing who I am. I have written about struggles in my childhood due to emotional abuse, part of which was constantly being told my academic mind was not as good as a "common sense" mind. I have written about my hatred of ideas of money-based success. This detesting also has its roots in my childhood where the worth of a project or activity was gauged by how much money was made from it. I have written about my struggles in a spiritually-abusive situation as an adult - a situation that, again, caused me to question my interests, my talents, myself.  

I had another encounter, another trigger, if you will, this week. Just for fun, I posted a meme in a Facebook group for students at my college. The meme depicted a man who has 29 degrees. I wrote, "Game on!" Anyone who knows me knows I love studying, I love... well, earning degrees. There were several comments about this meme. Some were the traditional reactions, swearing the guy paid for his degrees with unpaid student loans. (I pointed out this would be impossible since student loans cap. He could not have paid for even a third of his degrees with student loans). Another swore the guy must not have a job. No one can earn that many degrees and work. (I pointed out I work, homeschool my sons, volunteer, and am almost finished with degree number five). Some were inspired by this man's accomplishments. Some laughed it off. However, the one comment that really got to me was not directed at the meme at all, but was directed to me. 

This comment came from a student who asked me, since I said "Game on" and had mentioned in a reply to someone else's comment that I would love to try to do that, if I am sure I am doing God's will by seeking degrees. 

Let me just scream for a moment.  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  

After going through years (almost twenty-five) of emotional abuse in which I was told my "book smart" is useless, after enduring spiritual abuse that played a part in me flunking a semester of college when I was pursuing my bachelor's degrees and almost not returning to finish my last three classes because I could be putting education ahead of God; this comment was too much for me.  

I would like to say I brushed off this comment.  

Wait.  

No I wouldn't like to say that.  I'm no longer a brush-er-off-er. I am happy with how I responded. I showed the individual what it is like to have assumptions made about you - assumptions in which the assumer tries to prove who you are and what you do is un-biblical.  

You see, I have put up with too many comments in which the Bible is wielded as weapon by holier-than-thou people. I have questioned myself and my motives one too many times. I will no longer stand for it.  I will no longer back down from such assumptions. There is nothing wrong with who God created me to be. I will pursue my interests and talents in whatever direction God leads me.    

Perhaps ironically, I picked up a copy of Joyce Meyer's new book, Living a Life You Love, at the library the other day. There are some of her books, like Battlefield of the Mind, that I absolutely love. These are books that God has used to bring me through some of the most challenging times of my life. Others of her books border too much on society's obsession with positive thinking. This one, though, I do like. I agree with a lot of what this Bible teacher includes in this book. In fact, some of what she writes about are exactly the ideas and thoughts God brought me to when I was healing from spiritual abuse. These ideas include seizing each day, each new opportunity. They include allowing God to lead. They include embracing who God created us, individually, to be. In one of my favorite sections of the book, the author writes about how she, at one point in her life, tried to be like everyone else because they appeared to be the right kind of people. She tried to have a different personality. She tried to learn the guitar and be a homemaker and bake cookies. None of these things worked because they are not her. She had to discover who she is, who God made her to be. 

I've always known who God made me to be, but at times I have been made to feel like that isn't good enough. I have been made to feel as though who I am is not godly enough. I have been made to feel like I should be more like others. 

No more. 

I now embrace who I am. I know who God made me to be. I am no longer ashamed.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV). 

I know full-well who God created me to be. No holier-than-though, looking-down-the-nose assumptions can change my mind.