Hidden Abuse
I know I blog about this topic all the time, but I feel the need to write about it again. Hidden abuse is so rampant in our world that when we choose to point out its reality, people become adamant, angry, rude. Surprise, shock: I admit it was a social media conversation that sparked this post.
I recently shared this meme from Exchange Nation to my Facebook page:
This meme became a pretty popular post, spurring likes, loves, and wow emojis. A few people posted agreement. Some pointed out not all families are this way.
I will be honest, I take issue with such statements as "Not all families do this," because, to me, people who make such statements seem to be making light of those LGBT children who are disowned by their families. Such statements ignore that there are countless families who want to appear so perfect (note: godly, holy) to the world, they will push their gay kid out the door while hiding the sexual abuse of grandpa or uncle (or grandma or aunt, though studies show this is less likely) from the world. This meme and others like it show those kids who did nothing wrong to be abandoned by the only family they have ever known that they are not alone. Someone understands.
I have shared my own experiences of abuse from my childhood and in a spiritually-abusive church in my adult life. My experiences of abuse were not sexual in nature. They were narcissistic. They were emotional, mental, and spiritual. Mental abuse is present in all forms of abuse, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, or physical. I bring this up because I remember my mother threatening with issues that would cause her to "throw her own kids out of the house." Being gay was one. Another was if a daughter of hers would ever marry what she referred to as "an old man." (Perhaps ironically, I ended up marrying a man who is twenty years older than I am. I have always said I relate to people older than I am because I grew up with siblings who were a lot older than I am. The closest sibling to my age is thirteen years older than I). Another was if one of her kids would marry someone outside of their race. Oooh, this is a good one. She said if I ever dyed my hair a wild color like pink or green, she would not be seen with me in public. These were empty threats, of course. I would never have been allowed to be gay (even if I were), marry anyone at all, regardless of age or race (dating was forbidden as was anything that was said to "attract boys"), or do anything dramatic with my hair (anything that would make me look older than twelve).
These statements were made in the open - in front of and even to other family members, to neighbors. I remember some of them being made when I was younger than eight (I know this by the neighbors the statements were made to. We moved from that house when I was eight). They were made to make my family appear perfect - make my mother appear godly and holy and caring about the eternal well-being of her children. The thing is, those distant family members, those neighbors, would never have dreamed my mother was abusive. Even today, almost twenty years after she died, I have family members express shock at my story. Why? Because I am the first one who has shared it. No one else has dared to share their experiences. My mother knew how to keep her victims silent. All narcissists do.
As I have shared so many times, the spiritually-abusive church I attended demanded silence from their victims. They demanded their victims speak only good about them. They threatened victims by proclaiming from the pulpit there had been people in the past who had been asked to leave the church because they were "against the church." They were trouble-makers. Of course, they used words of the apostle Paul (Titus 3:10, for example) to justify such statements. Excommunication from the church would be bad. God was for their church. If anyone was against this church, they, as common sense would dictate, were also against God. Imagine how that felt to people who wanted only to please God.
All abusers threaten excommunication and abandonment. I am going to say that again louder. ALL ABUSERS THREATEN EXCOMMUNICATION AND ABANDONMENT. They do this while they are hiding their own abuse. They do this because they do not want their abuse to be found out, to be discovered. They do this appear perfect to the world. They cannot bear condemnation. They cannot take anyone else knowing who they truly are.
So this is why I post such memes. And you know what? Regardless of the criticism, regardless how many people unfriend me, how many people unfollow me, how many people stop speaking to me, I will continue to. I will not stop. I will not shut up. I will stand with and up for the victims of abuse.
I recently shared this meme from Exchange Nation to my Facebook page:
This meme became a pretty popular post, spurring likes, loves, and wow emojis. A few people posted agreement. Some pointed out not all families are this way.
I will be honest, I take issue with such statements as "Not all families do this," because, to me, people who make such statements seem to be making light of those LGBT children who are disowned by their families. Such statements ignore that there are countless families who want to appear so perfect (note: godly, holy) to the world, they will push their gay kid out the door while hiding the sexual abuse of grandpa or uncle (or grandma or aunt, though studies show this is less likely) from the world. This meme and others like it show those kids who did nothing wrong to be abandoned by the only family they have ever known that they are not alone. Someone understands.
I have shared my own experiences of abuse from my childhood and in a spiritually-abusive church in my adult life. My experiences of abuse were not sexual in nature. They were narcissistic. They were emotional, mental, and spiritual. Mental abuse is present in all forms of abuse, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, or physical. I bring this up because I remember my mother threatening with issues that would cause her to "throw her own kids out of the house." Being gay was one. Another was if a daughter of hers would ever marry what she referred to as "an old man." (Perhaps ironically, I ended up marrying a man who is twenty years older than I am. I have always said I relate to people older than I am because I grew up with siblings who were a lot older than I am. The closest sibling to my age is thirteen years older than I). Another was if one of her kids would marry someone outside of their race. Oooh, this is a good one. She said if I ever dyed my hair a wild color like pink or green, she would not be seen with me in public. These were empty threats, of course. I would never have been allowed to be gay (even if I were), marry anyone at all, regardless of age or race (dating was forbidden as was anything that was said to "attract boys"), or do anything dramatic with my hair (anything that would make me look older than twelve).
These statements were made in the open - in front of and even to other family members, to neighbors. I remember some of them being made when I was younger than eight (I know this by the neighbors the statements were made to. We moved from that house when I was eight). They were made to make my family appear perfect - make my mother appear godly and holy and caring about the eternal well-being of her children. The thing is, those distant family members, those neighbors, would never have dreamed my mother was abusive. Even today, almost twenty years after she died, I have family members express shock at my story. Why? Because I am the first one who has shared it. No one else has dared to share their experiences. My mother knew how to keep her victims silent. All narcissists do.
As I have shared so many times, the spiritually-abusive church I attended demanded silence from their victims. They demanded their victims speak only good about them. They threatened victims by proclaiming from the pulpit there had been people in the past who had been asked to leave the church because they were "against the church." They were trouble-makers. Of course, they used words of the apostle Paul (Titus 3:10, for example) to justify such statements. Excommunication from the church would be bad. God was for their church. If anyone was against this church, they, as common sense would dictate, were also against God. Imagine how that felt to people who wanted only to please God.
All abusers threaten excommunication and abandonment. I am going to say that again louder. ALL ABUSERS THREATEN EXCOMMUNICATION AND ABANDONMENT. They do this while they are hiding their own abuse. They do this because they do not want their abuse to be found out, to be discovered. They do this appear perfect to the world. They cannot bear condemnation. They cannot take anyone else knowing who they truly are.
So this is why I post such memes. And you know what? Regardless of the criticism, regardless how many people unfriend me, how many people unfollow me, how many people stop speaking to me, I will continue to. I will not stop. I will not shut up. I will stand with and up for the victims of abuse.
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