I am Me
I have had a lot of tears the past few days. The latest episode was just this morning.
Peanut Butter, my cat, is featured in this photograph. Peanut Butter is the queen. At least that is what I call her. She has that tortitude many owners of tortoise shell cats explain. That means when Peanut Butter wants something, she will not stop until she gets it. This morning, Peanut Butter wanted to be petted and cuddled. Except, as she often does, she did not get the hint that enough is enough. She can get rather clingy, and, right now, I'm just not in a clingy kind of mood. So I, of course, explained that to her. If you know cats, you know they don't really listen to such explanations.
My son overheard my - um - conversation and questioned, "Why don't you just put her down?" This is where the tears began. I replied, "I don't want her to think I don't love her." The profundity of that statement smacked me. "I don't want her to think I don't love her."
Victims of mental and emotional abuse know the need to prove themselves, to prove their love, to prove their worth. They go through life not wanting to upset another person because that other person may misinterpret disagreement or moodiness or anger as a lack of love. People somewhere in their lives have, and now they feel everyone will inflict the same emotional pain. Victims of mental and emotional abuse so often become everything other people need because they fear those people will be hurt if they don't. This often backfires because people then become accustomed to only contacting these individuals when they need something. The victims are further hurt by one-sided friendships or relationships. This has been a complaint of mine for many years - a reason I no longer actively pursue friendships.
Victims of mental and emotional abuse fear imperfection because, if they are not perfect, they will disappoint someone they don't want to hurt. They cannot handle disappointing someone else. They will place themselves, their well-being, their very identities on the bottom rung - below everyone else. They will run themselves ragged trying to help and please. When it becomes too much, they will retreat into themselves. They will crack emotionally. They will break down because no human being can handle such pressure.
In my childhood, I had to please my mother. I had to be what she wanted me to be. As I blogged a few days ago, I had to think as she thought in order to not upset her. At the same time, I had to walk on eggshells around specific family members because if they became upset, my mother became upset. She instructed (gaslighted) the victims of her abuse to just put up with everything the others said or did in order to "keep peace in the family." There are so many memories I could write of as illustrations of this fact.
I have discussed on this blog my battle with life-long scrupulosity. I know where it arose, but it is becoming clearer and clearer to me how it arose. It arose from my fear of disappointing God. Not only is this a fear that He will stop loving me if I disappoint Him. It is also a fear that He may feel I do not love Him.
I believe this fear of disappointing is especially prevalent in dealings with people in leadership or power. This can lead to what is considered an excellent work ethic in many victims of emotional and mental abuse. The praise from those in power causes the victims of mental and emotional abuse to feel accepted. In reality, they have lost control and, perhaps, lost their identity for that acceptance.
When I blog publicly about issues of which I have written these past few days, I worry. The thoughts at the forefront of my mind are nagging feelings that those who may read of how their behavior has affected me will become angry that I have not kept the peace, that I have put my own well-being ahead of fear. That is not an easy thing to do. It is, however, necessary for my healing.
Peanut Butter, my cat, is featured in this photograph. Peanut Butter is the queen. At least that is what I call her. She has that tortitude many owners of tortoise shell cats explain. That means when Peanut Butter wants something, she will not stop until she gets it. This morning, Peanut Butter wanted to be petted and cuddled. Except, as she often does, she did not get the hint that enough is enough. She can get rather clingy, and, right now, I'm just not in a clingy kind of mood. So I, of course, explained that to her. If you know cats, you know they don't really listen to such explanations.
My son overheard my - um - conversation and questioned, "Why don't you just put her down?" This is where the tears began. I replied, "I don't want her to think I don't love her." The profundity of that statement smacked me. "I don't want her to think I don't love her."
Victims of mental and emotional abuse know the need to prove themselves, to prove their love, to prove their worth. They go through life not wanting to upset another person because that other person may misinterpret disagreement or moodiness or anger as a lack of love. People somewhere in their lives have, and now they feel everyone will inflict the same emotional pain. Victims of mental and emotional abuse so often become everything other people need because they fear those people will be hurt if they don't. This often backfires because people then become accustomed to only contacting these individuals when they need something. The victims are further hurt by one-sided friendships or relationships. This has been a complaint of mine for many years - a reason I no longer actively pursue friendships.
Victims of mental and emotional abuse fear imperfection because, if they are not perfect, they will disappoint someone they don't want to hurt. They cannot handle disappointing someone else. They will place themselves, their well-being, their very identities on the bottom rung - below everyone else. They will run themselves ragged trying to help and please. When it becomes too much, they will retreat into themselves. They will crack emotionally. They will break down because no human being can handle such pressure.
In my childhood, I had to please my mother. I had to be what she wanted me to be. As I blogged a few days ago, I had to think as she thought in order to not upset her. At the same time, I had to walk on eggshells around specific family members because if they became upset, my mother became upset. She instructed (gaslighted) the victims of her abuse to just put up with everything the others said or did in order to "keep peace in the family." There are so many memories I could write of as illustrations of this fact.
I have discussed on this blog my battle with life-long scrupulosity. I know where it arose, but it is becoming clearer and clearer to me how it arose. It arose from my fear of disappointing God. Not only is this a fear that He will stop loving me if I disappoint Him. It is also a fear that He may feel I do not love Him.
I believe this fear of disappointing is especially prevalent in dealings with people in leadership or power. This can lead to what is considered an excellent work ethic in many victims of emotional and mental abuse. The praise from those in power causes the victims of mental and emotional abuse to feel accepted. In reality, they have lost control and, perhaps, lost their identity for that acceptance.
When I blog publicly about issues of which I have written these past few days, I worry. The thoughts at the forefront of my mind are nagging feelings that those who may read of how their behavior has affected me will become angry that I have not kept the peace, that I have put my own well-being ahead of fear. That is not an easy thing to do. It is, however, necessary for my healing.
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