Freedom
I grew up in a home in which everyone did everything together. Literally. Well, everyone except for my dad, who was a truck driver and was gone most of the time.
If one person did not like a specific activity or place, the whole family did not do that activity or go to the place. Everything was laid out for what we were allowed to do and what we were not allowed to do, what we were allowed to like and what we were not allowed to like. No one was ever alone - or even with other people by ourselves. It was all for one and one for all.
Some may think this is sweet. It was actually very damaging in a lot of ways. This type of protection, for lack of a better word, leads to fear of being alone. It leads to not really knowing oneself. It leads to rebellion. It leads to many psychologically damaging mindsets.
I think the reason I have been able to somewhat emerge from the ideology is I have seen what freedom does for my own sons. For their first few years of life, I had a difficult time leaving them. But I knew if I wanted to be a better mother, I had to go back to work. I had to have a few date nights with my husband. They would be okay.
I remember the day I had to take a trip to another city, around 80 miles away, for my work. I had to take a test to get my insurance license. I hated to go. I dreaded going. But I did it. And I even passed the test. That was a freeing moment for me.
When my sons were old enough, I took them to classes and events that they had to attend alone. They also needed that. As they got older and grew more, I told them to go play outside in our fenced-in backyard by themselves. It was okay. When my ten-year old took an interest in riding a bike recently, I encouraged him to ride in the street on our block as I sat on the porch. Believe it or not, even at that age, I was not allowed to do that. I was never trusted to watch for cars. I had to have an adult on the street with me.
I know the value of encouraging my sons to have their own ideas, even if they are not the same as mine. There are times my sons will point out something to me about one of my actions or ideas. They will tell me why they do not agree. I listen. I listen. That was a concept adults did not do in my childhood. I see their point and tell them so.
I do not force my sons to try things they are not ready for - be it an activity or a new food or whatever. They will try those things when they are ready.
My sons help set rules, which are not many in our household.
Tomorrow, I have another new step I have to take. I am to take a trip for my work 200 miles away from where we live. I am to be gone for the day. Even though my sons are ten and twelve, and my husband is home, and my sister can help with anything that is needed; this will not be an easy trip for me. But I know it will be good for me. I know it will be good for them. I have told them I will be calling and texting them when I can tomorrow, and they can text me, too.
I have been reading a book called Phenomenal: A Hesitant Adventurer's Search for Wonder in the Natural World by Leigh Ann Henion. I can so relate to what this author writes. She relates her feelings of emptiness after the birth of her son. Not because she was not madly in love with her baby. Not because she did not find parenting fulfilling. Because she felt there was something of herself that was missing. She made the difficult decision to take some time to explore natural wonders - leaving her son at home. This morning, I read this quote, "When my father handed Archer to me on that first day back, I kissed his cherub-soft cheeks. And, for the first time since we locked eyes seconds after he emerged from my womb, I felt like he saw me. Something had shifted. I was no longer an appendage. I wasn't his right hand, he seemed to realize; I was his right-hand woman. That day, I accepted that occasional absences, journeys that allow me to be true to myself, my spirit, have the potential to make me a more present mother. And motherhood, in turn, might just be making me a braver woman."
I can relate.
If one person did not like a specific activity or place, the whole family did not do that activity or go to the place. Everything was laid out for what we were allowed to do and what we were not allowed to do, what we were allowed to like and what we were not allowed to like. No one was ever alone - or even with other people by ourselves. It was all for one and one for all.
Some may think this is sweet. It was actually very damaging in a lot of ways. This type of protection, for lack of a better word, leads to fear of being alone. It leads to not really knowing oneself. It leads to rebellion. It leads to many psychologically damaging mindsets.
I think the reason I have been able to somewhat emerge from the ideology is I have seen what freedom does for my own sons. For their first few years of life, I had a difficult time leaving them. But I knew if I wanted to be a better mother, I had to go back to work. I had to have a few date nights with my husband. They would be okay.
I remember the day I had to take a trip to another city, around 80 miles away, for my work. I had to take a test to get my insurance license. I hated to go. I dreaded going. But I did it. And I even passed the test. That was a freeing moment for me.
When my sons were old enough, I took them to classes and events that they had to attend alone. They also needed that. As they got older and grew more, I told them to go play outside in our fenced-in backyard by themselves. It was okay. When my ten-year old took an interest in riding a bike recently, I encouraged him to ride in the street on our block as I sat on the porch. Believe it or not, even at that age, I was not allowed to do that. I was never trusted to watch for cars. I had to have an adult on the street with me.
I know the value of encouraging my sons to have their own ideas, even if they are not the same as mine. There are times my sons will point out something to me about one of my actions or ideas. They will tell me why they do not agree. I listen. I listen. That was a concept adults did not do in my childhood. I see their point and tell them so.
I do not force my sons to try things they are not ready for - be it an activity or a new food or whatever. They will try those things when they are ready.
My sons help set rules, which are not many in our household.
Tomorrow, I have another new step I have to take. I am to take a trip for my work 200 miles away from where we live. I am to be gone for the day. Even though my sons are ten and twelve, and my husband is home, and my sister can help with anything that is needed; this will not be an easy trip for me. But I know it will be good for me. I know it will be good for them. I have told them I will be calling and texting them when I can tomorrow, and they can text me, too.
I have been reading a book called Phenomenal: A Hesitant Adventurer's Search for Wonder in the Natural World by Leigh Ann Henion. I can so relate to what this author writes. She relates her feelings of emptiness after the birth of her son. Not because she was not madly in love with her baby. Not because she did not find parenting fulfilling. Because she felt there was something of herself that was missing. She made the difficult decision to take some time to explore natural wonders - leaving her son at home. This morning, I read this quote, "When my father handed Archer to me on that first day back, I kissed his cherub-soft cheeks. And, for the first time since we locked eyes seconds after he emerged from my womb, I felt like he saw me. Something had shifted. I was no longer an appendage. I wasn't his right hand, he seemed to realize; I was his right-hand woman. That day, I accepted that occasional absences, journeys that allow me to be true to myself, my spirit, have the potential to make me a more present mother. And motherhood, in turn, might just be making me a braver woman."
I can relate.
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