Reflections on Insecurity

I have felt kind of useless the past few days.  That is, until yesterday - my 40th birthday.

The few days before that, I just could not shake the feeling that I have not accomplished things that I want to accomplish.  Usually, by my age, people are set where they have worked hard to be.  Growing up, I always had a picture of where I wanted to be, but I had no way to accomplish it.  

It really began at work, I guess.  During my early adult years, as I have written about before, I was often considered stupid.  I was often told I had no common sense, because of my learning style (which, ironically, is very linguistic and traditional.  I am the one who scores high on tests and can write a research paper in a day or two).  But, even today, when someone says or does something that reminds me of the words used against me, I feel worthless.  That happened at work one night.  Okay, a few nights.  (That is what inspired my college discussion board and last blog post).  

Then I began thinking of people that would never be questioned - just because they were able to follow the status quo.  They were able to complete college at twenty-one and settle into the career they worked and studied to fill.  I began to think of how they would probably never be able to understand what it feels like to have taken a very different path.  

I even had a difficult time enjoying our housechurch on Sunday.  We were able to get to a local park to celebrate and study Palm Sunday, but I just wasn't into it.  I tried to focus on how misunderstood Jesus was during His life on earth.  But it just wasn't working.  

I began to think of judgment I had given others - primarily family members - and how I had been judged harshly by them because of the way life works sometimes.  I confronted them.  They confronted me.  Neither of us probably any better off.  But, then, again, we do not understand each other.  Not really.  

As I said, yesterday was my fortieth birthday.  I will write more on the significance of this event as I am able.  

Yesterday morning, my son handed me a birthday gift.  A copy of movie version of Into the Woods.  

  

As I watched the movie yesterday, I began to realize that someone understood.  In the characters, I saw myself.  I saw myself in one who was locked in a tower as a form of protection from the evils of the world.  One who cried out, "I'm not a child anymore.  I need to grow up."  But in order to do so, she had to sever ties with her past.  

I saw family members in the character who could not stop thinking of and living in the past, and was content to only dream of a better life - until the past was destroyed and the future not what it seemed, and she had to make a new life, somewhere in between.  

I understood what another character felt when a land of danger and giants provided a type of love that he had not experienced in his real life.  

I recognized others in the character who doubted his ability and the one who had been cursed with the curse of using logic alone, ignoring what it means to feel.  

The world itself may not understand me, but someone did.  

After watching the movie, I spent time with my sons out in nature.  We walked nature trails and spent time by a small lake, just soaking in the vitamin D of the warm, spring sun.  

What a needed time of relaxation - to re-charge.  To stop thinking.  To stop dwelling.  To move on - again.  

I needed my birthday yesterday - just the way it was.  A healing experience on many levels.