Even When Your Voice Shakes

We've all heard it says, "Tell the truth, even if your voice shakes."  I have made it a habit of putting that into action.  I have made it a habit of confronting, even when it makes me uncomfortable.  Let's face it, confrontation is never comfortable.  However, it is necessary. 

Last night, I took part in an open mic night at a local coffee shop.  It's my second time reading at this particular event, my third time taking part in an open mic night.  I'm not a shy person.  I'm introverted, but far from shy.  I have performed in front of people many times.  Why is it, then, that my voice shakes so badly when I tell my truth?  

I think it comes down to the confrontation aspect.  Really, it comes down to fear of being rejected.  

Much of what I write and subsequently read is confrontational.  Not in a bad way.  I do not accuse individuals, but I write what I believe is the truth.  For instance, last night's reading was an essay I wrote a few months ago entitled "The Accepted Legacy of Eugenics."  It is my opinion of how our standardized education system that places gold crowns on the heads of well-to-do, white, intelligent children is a residue of the eugenics movement.  It does not point the finger at any one person or at anything other than societal ideology.  However, it is confrontational.  Even the fictional horror short story I performed (old-time radio show-style) this summer confronted societal ills of classism and money-talksism.    

In my personal history and experience, when I have spoken what I believe to be truth, what I need to say, I have been rejected.  I have been rejected by churches for questioning and challenging doctrine.  I have been ousted from societal groups for having my own opinion.  I have been made fun of for standing up for my beliefs.  I have been told my goals, my aspirations are worthless.  I have even had so-called friends ignore me on social media when I post my passions and beliefs.  It seems when I am in situations I enjoy and in which I am myself, those situations, those places, those people are taken away or leave.  Perhaps that's why I love writing.  I can share my feelings, I can vent and proclaim and scream all I want, and it still feels impersonal.  However, reading my writing in front of a group or even to an individual makes my writing personal.  There may be someone in that group who has the power to take the enjoyment away.   I have learned the hard way some things, many things, we have to do alone, but so often alone hurts.   

I am bold in my writing.  I want to be just as bold when I read that writing.  Perhaps that will come with time and more experience.  Last night, I had people comment on the depth of my topic, on the fact that my writing made them think.  That is my goal.  So I will continue telling my truth, even if my voice shakes.  I will continue telling my truth, even if (or when) that means rejection.  It's worth it.