Assumptions in Abuses
This morning in those moments before I awoke, I had a dream. I dreamt I was back in a spiritually-abusive environment. I was talking to the leader, who did not recognize me. He was asking me questions that seemed innocent enough, but I knew these questions were really to analyze whether I would be willing to conform. I kept thinking, I have to get out of here. Why am I back here again? I sat down in a seat in the very back. There were needles on my seat. I began trying to pick them all up. My fingernail broke. This dream was so vivid when I awoke, I checked my fingernail, expecting it to be broken. There was someone sitting next to me who was so close to me we were touching. I asked him politely to scoot over a bit. He refused. I stood up and told him I need space. He needed to move. He barely budged.
This dream symbolizes abuse. It symbolizes the feeling of being closed in, of being stuck, of not being allowed to be oneself. It symbolizes assumptions - those ideas based upon the belief that "You have to agree with us because we're right." This attitude was prevalent in the spiritually-abusive environment I found myself in a few years ago.
It was also prevalent in my home environment growing up. If my mother felt something was ugly, there was no way around the fact. It was ugly. If my mother felt the weather was nice. That's just the way it was. It was nice. I remember vividly in grade school when I was asked what I liked or what I would like to choose, I would stop and think before answering, What would Mom want me to say to answer this question? Once I was confident that I had chosen correctly, I would answer whatever innocent question was posed. I remember once I chose wrong. I was at the first and only birthday party I attended alone. I remember the girl's name. (It was Tiffany). I remember what she looked like. I remember her house, the panelled room where the party took place. The party started out in a family room in their basement. The girl's parents gave the kids a choice of staying in the house to play or going outside. For some reason, in my seven-year old mind, I felt my mother would want me to stay inside. I reasoned she would feel I was safer inside. Inside, there was no danger of me getting away or getting lost. So I said I wanted to stay in. Not that I did. All the kids I really knew went out. But that seemed to be my safer choice. Soon, my mother came to pick me up early. When I got in the car, she screamed at me because she had driven by and had not seen me. I tried to explain, but I was wrong. I had chosen wrong. I was in trouble.
Yesterday, I blogged about why Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me celebrate. There were those assumptions in these family experiences as well. There were assumptions that I agreed with ideas about money-based success. When I did not, I was wrong. In my formative, teenage and young adult years, I was mocked by individuals decades older.
Assumptions are dangerous. Assumptions are wrong. Even today, though I no longer have contact with abusers from either my distant or recent past, I still tense when I hear assumptions - even minor ones. Assumptions may not always be abusive, but there are always assumptions in abuse. The attitude behind assumptions is the same, whether those assumptions be an abuser believing abuse is justified or their interpretation of the Bible is the only correct one, or whether it be an individual believing one brand name is better than another, a bigger house is a better house, one part of town is better than another part of town, or everyone must think summer is the best season. It could be teachers believing technology is to blame for the problems of childhood today, while they ignore their own actions of setting kids at desks with pencils and papers, resulting in these children sitting still the exact same number of sedentary hours as an ipad would occupy. The danger of assumptions can be found if a child does not read at five because (whisper the horror) the parents did not even send him to preschool or had the nerve to take him off his ADHD medication because they feel wiggling is okay.
Racism, classism, sexism, ageism - all these have a root in assumptions.
Assumptions have their basis in pride. Assumptions are based on the idea that we, in our finite human knowledge, have it all figured out. Believe me, I have fallen into the trap of assumptions more than once. I have even used assumptions to fight other people's (sometimes abusive) assumptions. However, I have learned through the years. I have learned when other people have said to me, "That is one viewpoint. Here is another."
As I wrote yesterday, this is a difficult time of year for me. I have found myself crying more the past couple of days than I have in a while. Writing this blog is healing for me. I may have more posts in the next few days, but I won't assume I will. It depends on how my healing progresses.
This dream symbolizes abuse. It symbolizes the feeling of being closed in, of being stuck, of not being allowed to be oneself. It symbolizes assumptions - those ideas based upon the belief that "You have to agree with us because we're right." This attitude was prevalent in the spiritually-abusive environment I found myself in a few years ago.
It was also prevalent in my home environment growing up. If my mother felt something was ugly, there was no way around the fact. It was ugly. If my mother felt the weather was nice. That's just the way it was. It was nice. I remember vividly in grade school when I was asked what I liked or what I would like to choose, I would stop and think before answering, What would Mom want me to say to answer this question? Once I was confident that I had chosen correctly, I would answer whatever innocent question was posed. I remember once I chose wrong. I was at the first and only birthday party I attended alone. I remember the girl's name. (It was Tiffany). I remember what she looked like. I remember her house, the panelled room where the party took place. The party started out in a family room in their basement. The girl's parents gave the kids a choice of staying in the house to play or going outside. For some reason, in my seven-year old mind, I felt my mother would want me to stay inside. I reasoned she would feel I was safer inside. Inside, there was no danger of me getting away or getting lost. So I said I wanted to stay in. Not that I did. All the kids I really knew went out. But that seemed to be my safer choice. Soon, my mother came to pick me up early. When I got in the car, she screamed at me because she had driven by and had not seen me. I tried to explain, but I was wrong. I had chosen wrong. I was in trouble.
Yesterday, I blogged about why Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me celebrate. There were those assumptions in these family experiences as well. There were assumptions that I agreed with ideas about money-based success. When I did not, I was wrong. In my formative, teenage and young adult years, I was mocked by individuals decades older.
Assumptions are dangerous. Assumptions are wrong. Even today, though I no longer have contact with abusers from either my distant or recent past, I still tense when I hear assumptions - even minor ones. Assumptions may not always be abusive, but there are always assumptions in abuse. The attitude behind assumptions is the same, whether those assumptions be an abuser believing abuse is justified or their interpretation of the Bible is the only correct one, or whether it be an individual believing one brand name is better than another, a bigger house is a better house, one part of town is better than another part of town, or everyone must think summer is the best season. It could be teachers believing technology is to blame for the problems of childhood today, while they ignore their own actions of setting kids at desks with pencils and papers, resulting in these children sitting still the exact same number of sedentary hours as an ipad would occupy. The danger of assumptions can be found if a child does not read at five because (whisper the horror) the parents did not even send him to preschool or had the nerve to take him off his ADHD medication because they feel wiggling is okay.
Racism, classism, sexism, ageism - all these have a root in assumptions.
Assumptions have their basis in pride. Assumptions are based on the idea that we, in our finite human knowledge, have it all figured out. Believe me, I have fallen into the trap of assumptions more than once. I have even used assumptions to fight other people's (sometimes abusive) assumptions. However, I have learned through the years. I have learned when other people have said to me, "That is one viewpoint. Here is another."
As I wrote yesterday, this is a difficult time of year for me. I have found myself crying more the past couple of days than I have in a while. Writing this blog is healing for me. I may have more posts in the next few days, but I won't assume I will. It depends on how my healing progresses.
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