Purpose

        

Something occurred to me today.  I woke up determined to get out of the slump I have been in the past few days.  Of course, anyone who has ever been through such a slump knows determination has little to do with it.  However, I was still determined.  I put on the shirt that defines my ideas - a t-shirt on which is printed my thesis entitled "The Problem of the Stigma of Marxism for Christian Advocacy Writers Whose Focus is Historical, Social Inequalities."  This thesis contains so many of my ideas about classism - classism that I continue to write about as I expand the thesis even further.  My writing about classism, by the way, was inspired by my personal experiences, many from the past (emphasis on money rather than passion, which I get to more in the following paragraphs) and even some from the present. 

My son dowsed me with my favorite cologne this morning - a men's Dollar Tree cologne called Prism.  I have no doubt he did this to brighten my day a little.  I asked my family to read my past two blog posts so they can understand why I have been off from my normal attitude and behavior.  Anyway, a favorite scent is the finishing touch on taking back oneself.  

I packed my oversized purse with books I have been reading and using for research for a paper I am writing on Oscar Wilde, one of my favorite authors.  We headed to the library for my sons' weekly chess club.  I found myself, as usual, in my favorite room at the public library.  Only today, I sat in a different corner of the room.  As I scanned Facebook, I came across, on a page dedicated to Oscar Wilde, an article reminding me today is the anniversary of the flamboyant author's death.  At risk of sounding morbid (I am certainly saddened each time I read of Wilde's heartbreaking life and early death at the age of 46), this article rejuvenated my passion.  This article reminded me that I live a life of purpose.  As any reader of this blog knows, writing is a passion of mine.  I cannot just write about any topic.  I have to feel a passion for my topic.  My writing must be purposeful.  I do not write what I write for money or prestige.  I write what I write because I believe in the topic.  

To be honest, I think it is the attempt to take away purpose that has bothered me most about the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse I have endured.  When I was excited about a project, abusers in my past would attempt to thwart my excitement.  They would deaden my purpose.  "Well, how much money will you make from it?" was a common mock. The same occurred in the spiritual abuse in my adulthood.  When I was overjoyed because I just knew I was doing something important, that my life had a calling, that my purpose was apparent, that joy was dampened with questioning and doubt and attitudes such as, I, in my powerful leadership position, don't think you're ready for that yet.  When I comtemplate my teenage and early adult years, when I ponder the spiritual abuse I endured fewer than ten years ago, I, again, remember the hopeless feeling of having my passion and my purpose dashed.  I have often seen a social media meme that proclaims, "If someone is excited about something, and you make them feel stupid for being excited about it, you are the worst type of person."  There is so much truth to that meme.  Taking joy away from another person is arrogant.  It is humiliating for the victim.  It is, in a word, evil.  

However, I am closer to being back on track today.  I am spending my time remembering my purpose.  I am spending a lot of time today in my writing and research.  I will not allow people to take away that purpose.  I will not allow those comments that always linger in the back of my mind to dull my enthusiasm.  I will not allow the abusers to win.