Normalizing the Abnormal
I was just reading an article about rape culture. In this article, a mother explains that a middle school boy recently called her middle school daughter and screamed names at her that no one should call another person.
That got me to thinking. I grew up in a home in which name-calling was an everyday thing. My mom called my dad names. My dad called my mom names. There was constant screaming and yelling.
That environment soaked into me. For instance, to this day, I view course language as a symptom of a loss of self-control. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I also know individuals who are said to have "a bad temper" because they behave in a way similar to the environment in which they grew up. Screaming and shouting and threats and name-calling are a normal way of life.
I cannot help but think they grew up normalizing abnormal behavior to the point that it became their way of life as well.
I remember when my husband and I started dating. We had been friends for over a year. Though we had never really been alone, we already felt comfortable enough sharing our deep thoughts with one another. I don't know if he sensed something or what, but he told me he does not believe in yelling. It is disrespectful.
And he never has. Yelled, that is. I seldom ever see my husband lose his cool, and when he does, he leaves the room to be alone. That is also what we have taught our sons. If they need time away from everyone, there is nothing wrong with just walking away to cool off, to re-assess, and to think.
For several years, though, I would get so frustrated with my husband for remaining calm. It aggravated me that he did not lose his temper. Believe it or not, there were times when I would ask him, "Would you just scream at me."
It wasn't that I really wanted him to scream at me. It was just that through my experiences, I was taught that calm is uncaring. Calm was too different for me.
I have learned in my years away from a yelling environment that there are way to harness the passion while still remaining respectful. I am not a calm person, because I am too passionate to be calm. I could certainly never convert to Buddhism. It's not me. I've become friends with my emotion. I can talk out my issues. I write. I am not afraid of confrontation.
The point is though, our childhood environment affects us more than we believe it does.
When children hear screams and name-calling and threats, they grow up thinking that is normal. Unless, like me, they meet someone who teaches them the opposite, they will normalize such behavior... the downward cycle continues.
This culture all comes down to what is normal and what is not normal in the home. It is up to parents to stop the behavior they are instilling in their children. Behavior that is hidden from society out of shame should not be proclaimed openly in front of the most vulnerable members of our families and societies.
Perhaps the society that believes in good manners, that believes in children showing respect and being proper in public should concentrate on the more pressing, honest issues. Instead of worrying that our children will make a poor impression, we should worry about the impression we are leaving on them.
That got me to thinking. I grew up in a home in which name-calling was an everyday thing. My mom called my dad names. My dad called my mom names. There was constant screaming and yelling.
That environment soaked into me. For instance, to this day, I view course language as a symptom of a loss of self-control. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I also know individuals who are said to have "a bad temper" because they behave in a way similar to the environment in which they grew up. Screaming and shouting and threats and name-calling are a normal way of life.
I cannot help but think they grew up normalizing abnormal behavior to the point that it became their way of life as well.
I remember when my husband and I started dating. We had been friends for over a year. Though we had never really been alone, we already felt comfortable enough sharing our deep thoughts with one another. I don't know if he sensed something or what, but he told me he does not believe in yelling. It is disrespectful.
And he never has. Yelled, that is. I seldom ever see my husband lose his cool, and when he does, he leaves the room to be alone. That is also what we have taught our sons. If they need time away from everyone, there is nothing wrong with just walking away to cool off, to re-assess, and to think.
For several years, though, I would get so frustrated with my husband for remaining calm. It aggravated me that he did not lose his temper. Believe it or not, there were times when I would ask him, "Would you just scream at me."
It wasn't that I really wanted him to scream at me. It was just that through my experiences, I was taught that calm is uncaring. Calm was too different for me.
I have learned in my years away from a yelling environment that there are way to harness the passion while still remaining respectful. I am not a calm person, because I am too passionate to be calm. I could certainly never convert to Buddhism. It's not me. I've become friends with my emotion. I can talk out my issues. I write. I am not afraid of confrontation.
The point is though, our childhood environment affects us more than we believe it does.
When children hear screams and name-calling and threats, they grow up thinking that is normal. Unless, like me, they meet someone who teaches them the opposite, they will normalize such behavior... the downward cycle continues.
This culture all comes down to what is normal and what is not normal in the home. It is up to parents to stop the behavior they are instilling in their children. Behavior that is hidden from society out of shame should not be proclaimed openly in front of the most vulnerable members of our families and societies.
Perhaps the society that believes in good manners, that believes in children showing respect and being proper in public should concentrate on the more pressing, honest issues. Instead of worrying that our children will make a poor impression, we should worry about the impression we are leaving on them.
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