Baby steps
Yesterday, I wrote about some of my experiences under spiritual abuse. Today, I want to write about how God uses every one of our experiences for good in our lives.
I just read an article about Rich Mullins. This month marks the anniversary of his death.
Part of the article deals with author Brennan Manning's influence on Mullins. The article quotes Mullins as saying that he tried to read The Ragamuffin Gospel early in his life (right out of highschool), but he just did not get it. But when he picked it up later in life, it clicked. That is what he needed in his life.
I can relate to that statement. I first read The Ragamuffin Gospel a year or two ago. It was in the midst of my healing from spiritual abuse and discovery of the calling of God I had always felt on my life but could never put my finger on exactly what it was. That calling is the reason I pursued studying the Bible - I call it studying "about" the Bible through Bible college. These studies taught me a lot that I needed to learn. But they were only a part, not at all the whole.
Marrying Kelsey, having two sons that are so different from one another. Those were huge parts in this discovery. Feeling like a failure to myself and, most importantly to God were lessons that I had to learn. This may sound like it's really out of place here, but discovering unschooling and child-directed learning were a huge part. Not only did this paradigm shift in my educational philosophy begin teaching me to live in the now, it set me on the outskirts of the homeschooling community. It gave me frustration and anger and hurt and rejection. But it taught me to pursue what God had led me to, no matter what.
That stage, that baby step, lasted several years. Then came the spiritual abuse. That was a huge one. It caused me to question every single thing I held dear. Literally. But another thing it did. It taught me what it feels like to have people look down at you as though you are "unsaved," as though you are "in need of teaching and discipleship," as though you are "immature in Christ." My God, was this how I had made people feel? As I began to come through this situation and began healing, again, I experienced a paradigm shift. I refused to ever make anyone feel like this again. At least I would do my best.
God put this refusal to the test. He led me to people that broke my heart. They were people that I totally disagreed with on many levels. I tried so hard to show them the love of Christ - the love that I felt for them. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Sometimes I failed in the areas I refused to fail in.
It was then that I first read The Ragamuffin Gospel. Had I read that book at any time prior to then, I would have dismissed it as heresy. Really, I would have. Had I read it during the time I was just studying about the Bible, I would have thought Brennan Manning had lost it. I would have probably written something about how he as failing God. But now, after my own experiences, after truly studying the Bible on my own without interference of doctrines or theologies, after knowing hurt and rejection and abuse; I could relate to everything the author wrote about. I even planned (an unsuccessful) study over the book. I couldn't get anyone to come more than a couple of times. They weren't ready for the book or maybe they had just passed their readiness. I don't know.
But I do know that one important lesson God has taught me is He leads us in steps. Sometimes very tiny baby steps to get us where He needs us to be. Sometimes those steps are very painful, and it seems like we will never make it through it. But we do. Those lessons are the ones we have to learn at the right time.
I just read an article about Rich Mullins. This month marks the anniversary of his death.
Part of the article deals with author Brennan Manning's influence on Mullins. The article quotes Mullins as saying that he tried to read The Ragamuffin Gospel early in his life (right out of highschool), but he just did not get it. But when he picked it up later in life, it clicked. That is what he needed in his life.
I can relate to that statement. I first read The Ragamuffin Gospel a year or two ago. It was in the midst of my healing from spiritual abuse and discovery of the calling of God I had always felt on my life but could never put my finger on exactly what it was. That calling is the reason I pursued studying the Bible - I call it studying "about" the Bible through Bible college. These studies taught me a lot that I needed to learn. But they were only a part, not at all the whole.
Marrying Kelsey, having two sons that are so different from one another. Those were huge parts in this discovery. Feeling like a failure to myself and, most importantly to God were lessons that I had to learn. This may sound like it's really out of place here, but discovering unschooling and child-directed learning were a huge part. Not only did this paradigm shift in my educational philosophy begin teaching me to live in the now, it set me on the outskirts of the homeschooling community. It gave me frustration and anger and hurt and rejection. But it taught me to pursue what God had led me to, no matter what.
That stage, that baby step, lasted several years. Then came the spiritual abuse. That was a huge one. It caused me to question every single thing I held dear. Literally. But another thing it did. It taught me what it feels like to have people look down at you as though you are "unsaved," as though you are "in need of teaching and discipleship," as though you are "immature in Christ." My God, was this how I had made people feel? As I began to come through this situation and began healing, again, I experienced a paradigm shift. I refused to ever make anyone feel like this again. At least I would do my best.
God put this refusal to the test. He led me to people that broke my heart. They were people that I totally disagreed with on many levels. I tried so hard to show them the love of Christ - the love that I felt for them. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Sometimes I failed in the areas I refused to fail in.
It was then that I first read The Ragamuffin Gospel. Had I read that book at any time prior to then, I would have dismissed it as heresy. Really, I would have. Had I read it during the time I was just studying about the Bible, I would have thought Brennan Manning had lost it. I would have probably written something about how he as failing God. But now, after my own experiences, after truly studying the Bible on my own without interference of doctrines or theologies, after knowing hurt and rejection and abuse; I could relate to everything the author wrote about. I even planned (an unsuccessful) study over the book. I couldn't get anyone to come more than a couple of times. They weren't ready for the book or maybe they had just passed their readiness. I don't know.
But I do know that one important lesson God has taught me is He leads us in steps. Sometimes very tiny baby steps to get us where He needs us to be. Sometimes those steps are very painful, and it seems like we will never make it through it. But we do. Those lessons are the ones we have to learn at the right time.
Comments
Post a Comment