What About "Christian" Parenting?
There is quite a bit in the news about Adrian Peterson, running back for the Minnesota Vikings. According to reports, Peterson used a three-inch switch to spank his son, resulting in cuts, blood, and bruises - and child abuse charges. Peterson has said he spanked his son in the name of "Christian parenting."
It may sounds strange, but there are are "Christian" parenting books out there that promote spanking a child, and if the child cries, spanking him again until he stops (No Greater Joy Ministries by Michael and Deby Pearl). There are "Christian" parenting philosophies that say parents need to train babies to know that the parent is in control. The way to do this is by denying the baby its wants (On Becoming Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo). There are "Christian" parenting philosophies that say if a child asks for a red cup of water, the parent is to give that child a blue cup. This teaches him the parents, again, are in control. This same parenting philosophy teaches that a child should obey the first time, no questions asked. Discipline is the answer (Growing Kids God's Way by Gary Ezzo).
I would like to share a personal story about how God led me away from even thinking about these philosophies. When Taliesin, our eleven-year old son, was a lot younger, I went to a church that offered Growing Kids God's Way classes. One Sunday morning, the instructors for the class announced the classes and asked for sign-up. I thought What could it hurt? So I signed up. The classes were offered on Sunday evenings, a night that my husband, being a restaurant worker, has always worked. So the leaders of the class told me I would need to wait until another class was offered a different night. It was a requirement that both parents be present to learn the techniques. During the classes, there was child-care, and the children were also learning the ideas presented to the parents during this time. I was actually kind of getting excited for a night to open up where both my husband and I could take these classes, so I waited.
During this wait, God slowly led me into exploring unschooling. I have shared before how this happened. We began homeschooling Taliesin when he was three, because he was then enrolled in speech therapy and special education through our local Head Start program. The director of the program had made it very clear that he did not agree with homeschooling kids with "special needs," so I began homeschooling right away. I wanted them to see that Taliesin could learn at home. The only type of education I was familiar with at the time was the very traditional education I grew up in. But it did not work for my son. That's when, at a library day one day, I picked up a copy of Home Education Magazine. The rest is history. I began giving Taliesin small choices at first. It worked wonders. He was enjoying learning. I was enjoying him learning. Neither of us ended up in tears by the end of the day. That was the beginning of our unschooling adventures.
One day, right as I was discovering the importance of allowing children some freedom in learning, of allowing them some choices of what worked best for them, of allowing them to make some decisions; I participated in an activity for our local homeschooling group. I was talking with another mom about some of the new techniques I was implementing with Taliesin, when she stopped me and told me, "One of the first things you learn in Growing Kids God's Way is the child must learn the parent is in control." I replied, "Well, I guess Growing Kids God's Way isn't for me, then."
That ended the discussion, but that statement about the child needing to learn that the parent is the one in control stuck with me. Being a researcher by nature, I began researching Growing Kids God's Way and its author/founder, Gary Ezzo. I learned that Gary Ezzo has no background in child development. I learned that doctors were criticizing Ezzo's work On Becoming Baby Wise, because of its doctrine of nursing babies following a parent's schedule. (Of course, this teaches the baby that the parent is the one in control. I guess the fact that a mother's milk supply depends upon following the baby's schedule means nothing). I read of Ezzo's philosophy of teaching a baby to cry it out, because the parents' need has to come before the child's want. I read testimonies of the harm this philosophy caused from parents who had used Growing Kids God's Way. I read that experts in child development agreed Ezzo's methods were no where near developmentally-appropriate at best and abusive at worse. Again, I thought back to the statement that the first thing children learn is the parent is always in control. I thought of how different my parenting philosophy was from parents that I knew implemented Ezzo's methods.
I began researching other parenting methods. I researched Love and Logic. It was a lot closer to my ideas than Ezzo's ideology. Then I found a book on gentle discipline from the library. It was published by La Leche League, which, being a nursing mother of Nathanael at that time, I loved. I began implementing those techniques along with unschooling. I began learning more about attachment parenting - straight from Nathanael, I might add. He was the baby who loved to be held. He loved to be close. He loved to co-sleep. He needed that closeness. Had I gone through the Growing Kids God's Way classes, not only would Taliesin, whom we later discovered through research, has dyslexia and probably some dyscalculia, have been forced to learn from methods that made us both miserable; Nathanael would have been forced to cry it out and follow my schedule instead of his, breaking a bond that formed because I was willing to put his needs above my own. But isn't that what "Christian" parenting is all about?
I will never say I am the perfect parent. I am far from it. I have had parenting breakdowns on more than one occasion. I have had a difficult time, at times, throwing off some of my own childhood (which closely resembles the ideas of Gary Ezzo) in order to parent Taliesin and Nathanael in a much more gentle, loving way.
Perhaps Ezzo ideology needs to learn an idea that is promoted in many churches. "It's not about you." It's not about what makes us, as parents, feel that we are in control of our children. It's not about disciplining our children into obedience. It's about us being the best parents we can be. Think of this way, has God ever forced us to do anything? Has God ever taken away our ability to choose? Has God ever not worked with our personalities instead of against them? Has God ever been anything but loving and kind? I don't know. I guess I would prefer to follow God's parenting example rather than that of the those who try to offer parenting advice in His name. To me, these "Christian" examples are often in direct opposition to His example.
It may sounds strange, but there are are "Christian" parenting books out there that promote spanking a child, and if the child cries, spanking him again until he stops (No Greater Joy Ministries by Michael and Deby Pearl). There are "Christian" parenting philosophies that say parents need to train babies to know that the parent is in control. The way to do this is by denying the baby its wants (On Becoming Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo). There are "Christian" parenting philosophies that say if a child asks for a red cup of water, the parent is to give that child a blue cup. This teaches him the parents, again, are in control. This same parenting philosophy teaches that a child should obey the first time, no questions asked. Discipline is the answer (Growing Kids God's Way by Gary Ezzo).
I would like to share a personal story about how God led me away from even thinking about these philosophies. When Taliesin, our eleven-year old son, was a lot younger, I went to a church that offered Growing Kids God's Way classes. One Sunday morning, the instructors for the class announced the classes and asked for sign-up. I thought What could it hurt? So I signed up. The classes were offered on Sunday evenings, a night that my husband, being a restaurant worker, has always worked. So the leaders of the class told me I would need to wait until another class was offered a different night. It was a requirement that both parents be present to learn the techniques. During the classes, there was child-care, and the children were also learning the ideas presented to the parents during this time. I was actually kind of getting excited for a night to open up where both my husband and I could take these classes, so I waited.
During this wait, God slowly led me into exploring unschooling. I have shared before how this happened. We began homeschooling Taliesin when he was three, because he was then enrolled in speech therapy and special education through our local Head Start program. The director of the program had made it very clear that he did not agree with homeschooling kids with "special needs," so I began homeschooling right away. I wanted them to see that Taliesin could learn at home. The only type of education I was familiar with at the time was the very traditional education I grew up in. But it did not work for my son. That's when, at a library day one day, I picked up a copy of Home Education Magazine. The rest is history. I began giving Taliesin small choices at first. It worked wonders. He was enjoying learning. I was enjoying him learning. Neither of us ended up in tears by the end of the day. That was the beginning of our unschooling adventures.
One day, right as I was discovering the importance of allowing children some freedom in learning, of allowing them some choices of what worked best for them, of allowing them to make some decisions; I participated in an activity for our local homeschooling group. I was talking with another mom about some of the new techniques I was implementing with Taliesin, when she stopped me and told me, "One of the first things you learn in Growing Kids God's Way is the child must learn the parent is in control." I replied, "Well, I guess Growing Kids God's Way isn't for me, then."
That ended the discussion, but that statement about the child needing to learn that the parent is the one in control stuck with me. Being a researcher by nature, I began researching Growing Kids God's Way and its author/founder, Gary Ezzo. I learned that Gary Ezzo has no background in child development. I learned that doctors were criticizing Ezzo's work On Becoming Baby Wise, because of its doctrine of nursing babies following a parent's schedule. (Of course, this teaches the baby that the parent is the one in control. I guess the fact that a mother's milk supply depends upon following the baby's schedule means nothing). I read of Ezzo's philosophy of teaching a baby to cry it out, because the parents' need has to come before the child's want. I read testimonies of the harm this philosophy caused from parents who had used Growing Kids God's Way. I read that experts in child development agreed Ezzo's methods were no where near developmentally-appropriate at best and abusive at worse. Again, I thought back to the statement that the first thing children learn is the parent is always in control. I thought of how different my parenting philosophy was from parents that I knew implemented Ezzo's methods.
I began researching other parenting methods. I researched Love and Logic. It was a lot closer to my ideas than Ezzo's ideology. Then I found a book on gentle discipline from the library. It was published by La Leche League, which, being a nursing mother of Nathanael at that time, I loved. I began implementing those techniques along with unschooling. I began learning more about attachment parenting - straight from Nathanael, I might add. He was the baby who loved to be held. He loved to be close. He loved to co-sleep. He needed that closeness. Had I gone through the Growing Kids God's Way classes, not only would Taliesin, whom we later discovered through research, has dyslexia and probably some dyscalculia, have been forced to learn from methods that made us both miserable; Nathanael would have been forced to cry it out and follow my schedule instead of his, breaking a bond that formed because I was willing to put his needs above my own. But isn't that what "Christian" parenting is all about?
I will never say I am the perfect parent. I am far from it. I have had parenting breakdowns on more than one occasion. I have had a difficult time, at times, throwing off some of my own childhood (which closely resembles the ideas of Gary Ezzo) in order to parent Taliesin and Nathanael in a much more gentle, loving way.
Perhaps Ezzo ideology needs to learn an idea that is promoted in many churches. "It's not about you." It's not about what makes us, as parents, feel that we are in control of our children. It's not about disciplining our children into obedience. It's about us being the best parents we can be. Think of this way, has God ever forced us to do anything? Has God ever taken away our ability to choose? Has God ever not worked with our personalities instead of against them? Has God ever been anything but loving and kind? I don't know. I guess I would prefer to follow God's parenting example rather than that of the those who try to offer parenting advice in His name. To me, these "Christian" examples are often in direct opposition to His example.
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