Taking Action: The Importance of More than Just Talk

Last week, my eleven-year old went to a day camp at the zoo. We dropped him off at 8:30 that morning and did not pick him up until 4:30 that afternoon. Let me tell you, that was the most difficult thing for me to do. 

Here's why: I was raised in fear.

Growing up, I was taught fear. I mean, it was drilled into me. I remember every morning when I was in grade school, my mom repeated the same words to me - words of instruction about not going anywhere without the teacher and the other kids, about not playing on certain toys on the playground, about staying where I could be seen. I went to a private, Christian school in a church building around three blocks away from where we lived. The daily repeated instructions lasted those three blocks. To this day, I can still say those words.

As I grew, I was not allowed to go anywhere by myself. 

Literally. I remember there was a little store in our neighborhood called Ashton's. I was allowed to go in with my sister, as long as my mom could see in the window to be sure no one was attacking us as we grabbed an item or two. If we took too long, there were consequences that followed. There were constant verbal reminders that anything could happen at any time, and I could never be alone - for my own protection.

Then, of course, there was the fear of God. 

That was the worst. Scrupulosity is defined as religious OCD. Religious OCD is not keeping things in a certain order or doing something for our own satisfaction - it is doing it for God's satisfaction. It is doing it to avoid punishment from God. So not only do those that suffer from scrupulosity have to keep track of their responsibilities for themselves, they also have be responsible for God and His actions. There is nothing more miserable.

There is a reason I do not use the same curriculum for my sons' homeschooling that was used when I was homeschooled. It's because it promotes legalism. There is probably one teaching from the Bible curriculum that I will never forget - if we are out of the will of God, God will slowly take things from us to get us to turn back to Him. If those don't work, eventually He will just take us to keep us from living the life on earth that we are living.

I am just thinking this morning about an article I read a couple of days ago about a woman who was in nursing school who had a breakdown. The woman's mother was told by a social worker that nursing school was too stressful for her daughter, because of the daughter's mental illness. The mother was appalled that this social worker would suggest this and encouraged others to get the help they need, but not give up.

When I posted that article, I thought of something that has been on my mind and heart a lot - that is the idea that diagnoses can backfire. Diagnoses, in my opinion, give people a starting place. They help individuals understand why they think what they think and feel what they feel - very real thoughts and feelings. But, as this article points out, the action should not stop there. Diagnoses provide understanding. In order to live life to the fullest, the person (like the woman in this article) has to move on. It's not easy, but it is a must.

When I discovered the term scrupulosity, I knew it was me. And I forced myself to think differently. If I felt I had to do something to avoid the wrath of God, I would force myself to do it, just to show myself it was okay. 

It was not God that was making me do this, it was me.

In the house I grew up in, make-up was forbidden - out of holiness and godliness, of course. So that was a first step. Wearing certain clothes was a no-no. So I wore that style or cut of clothing. There was always talk of women not cutting their hair. So I showed myself it was okay to cut my hair. And those were just the beginnings.

Even as an adult, before I heard the idea of scrupulosity, I was testing these things. But every time something would go wrong, I felt that I had probably tested God too much, so I reverted back to the legalistic behavior. When I realized what it was that I was doing - when I realized what this term was and what it means, I stopped reverting. I stopping blaming myself for displeasing God.

The diagnosis gave me reason to go on, even though it was the most difficult thing for me to do.

Like with taking my son to zoo camp last week. It was difficult. Every warning I had ever heard ran through my mind. Every unsolved murder in our area, every case of human trafficking that I have read about on FB - it all ran through my mind. And that is why I did it. Because I do not want my sons to grow up in the mindset in which I grew up.

So when I say it is possible to enable our feelings and emotions and diagnoses, I know. Oh, believe me, I know how difficult it is to break out of the patterns of anxiety and fear. But it is necessary if we want to truly live life rather than just exist.