Understanding What It Means to "Be Still": a Message of Hope (Spiritual Abuse Awareness)
Psalm 46:10a gives powerful reminder: "Be still and know that I am God" (KJV).
So often, we interpret this to mean a realization that God is God. Oh, but we so often forget the first command, "Be still."
When I was growing up and would face a trial of any kind, I would automatically jump to the conclusion that I had offended God in some way. This is the environment in which I grew up. Because of many of the spiritually legalistic rules that I was accustomed to, I would automatically assume it was because I didn't pray enough or because I became angry with someone or because I wasn't obedient enough to my parents. Perhaps it was because I wore my jeans too tight that day. Perhaps - and this was a big one for me - it was because I liked something that was "worldly" a little too much. Be it a song on the radio or a piece of jewelry or an item of clothing - whatever hit my head. I remember if something - anything - went wrong, even a small something that was just a part of ordinary life; I would begin eliminating each thing that I could have offended God with. I would usually start by flipping off the radio. Then I would remove any jewelry that I felt may have offended Him. I would pick up my Bible and begin reading (which was something I did every day, anyway; but maybe I hadn't done it enough). I usually began walking, pacing and praying silently. This became my ritual.
After the death of my mother, I met my husband. Taliesin was born was born. God had truly worked a miracle during my pregnancy with Taliesin. I don't know how I stayed so calm during this tremendous trial I went through during this time, but I did. I had to. Stress only added to the very real physical condition I had. God really taught me a lot then about relying on Him. For a few years, I forgot about those ideas from my past. I didn't feel the need to prove myself to God. I started college again. I excelled at it. I was more spiritually healthy than I had been in a long time. I truly began to forget that this old line of thinking had existed. It was so far from what I was feeling now.
Then I began attending a church that was so similar to the environment of my childhood that I felt comfortable. It honestly felt like something that had been missing was there. It was like going home. I have often wondered why someone that grew up in a physically abusive environment would, say, marry a person that is physically abusive. I think I know why. It's because that familiarity provides comfort in a strange way. I felt comfort hearing about God this way. I began to feel that perhaps these years that I had spent away from my old line of thinking were the cause of another trial I was experiencing. Perhaps if I again made myself right with God, this trial would disappear. But this was such a large trial in my mind, it didn't just disappear. Even when the physical trial was over, I could not get over the feeling that I was a disappointment to God. Perhaps it was because I never truly felt a part of this church. I was not allowed to be a part. I was allowed to listen and learn, but never to talk or voice my beliefs or share my testimonies. Heaven forbid I be allowed to share the gifts God had given me. I was an outsider looking in. And the doctrine... The doctrine reinforced my ideas - the spiritual torture that I could not expel from my mind. These ideas that were a magnification of everything I had felt and experienced in my early life. I began to feel as though I needed to work harder to please God. I needed to show Him, or He was going to punish me. He was going to hurt me in the worst way possible. He was going to make every fear come true. I needed to please Him. I became paranoid about what could happen. I fell into a depression. Everything in my life that had been important to me was no longer important. I failed a semester of college, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was pleasing God and working to accomplish that. In my mind, God did not want me to enjoy life. He wanted my obedience and allegiance. I had to show. I had to prove. The only time I was truly at peace was when I was asleep. Most of the time anyway, unless there were dreams. Nightmares of everything I feared.
I am a firm believer that we cannot truly heal of an abusive situation while we are in that situation. For over a year, I felt God did not want me to leave this situation. Then I truly believe God allowed the one thing to happen that would make me leave this situation. Little things had been adding up and adding up. Once He had even given me a dream with a Bible Verse pointing to the legalism that I was experiencing there. But then the one thing happened that made me leave. Even though I was not planning on leaving for good, just taking a break; I believe God had planned for that to be my exit. Just like I experienced new life earlier through my marriage and new family; God began showing me new life now.
Here is where the "Be still" part comes in. I have noticed that lately when I experience a trial, a worry, God reminds me of the "Be still." I don't have to jump in and think of all the things I need to remove or shut off or take off to please Him. I simply need to be still and know He is God. He reminds me of how He has taken care of everything in my life. He reminds me of His kindness - something I had never truly understood in my early years.
That isn't to say I do not have these same struggles at times. Believe me, I do. At times, my mind reverts back to those ideas that are so deeply rooted within me. When that happens, I remember I need to be still and trust Him. I don't need to act. I need to trust. We do not please Him by our sacrifice of ourselves on the altar of good works. We please Him by trusting Him. We please Him by having that small grain of faith within us that tells us we need to ignore the messages of perfectionism that are not from Him. Sometimes - many times - this is the hardest thing I have to do. Sometimes faith isn't easy. But it's necessary.
So often, we interpret this to mean a realization that God is God. Oh, but we so often forget the first command, "Be still."
When I was growing up and would face a trial of any kind, I would automatically jump to the conclusion that I had offended God in some way. This is the environment in which I grew up. Because of many of the spiritually legalistic rules that I was accustomed to, I would automatically assume it was because I didn't pray enough or because I became angry with someone or because I wasn't obedient enough to my parents. Perhaps it was because I wore my jeans too tight that day. Perhaps - and this was a big one for me - it was because I liked something that was "worldly" a little too much. Be it a song on the radio or a piece of jewelry or an item of clothing - whatever hit my head. I remember if something - anything - went wrong, even a small something that was just a part of ordinary life; I would begin eliminating each thing that I could have offended God with. I would usually start by flipping off the radio. Then I would remove any jewelry that I felt may have offended Him. I would pick up my Bible and begin reading (which was something I did every day, anyway; but maybe I hadn't done it enough). I usually began walking, pacing and praying silently. This became my ritual.
After the death of my mother, I met my husband. Taliesin was born was born. God had truly worked a miracle during my pregnancy with Taliesin. I don't know how I stayed so calm during this tremendous trial I went through during this time, but I did. I had to. Stress only added to the very real physical condition I had. God really taught me a lot then about relying on Him. For a few years, I forgot about those ideas from my past. I didn't feel the need to prove myself to God. I started college again. I excelled at it. I was more spiritually healthy than I had been in a long time. I truly began to forget that this old line of thinking had existed. It was so far from what I was feeling now.
Then I began attending a church that was so similar to the environment of my childhood that I felt comfortable. It honestly felt like something that had been missing was there. It was like going home. I have often wondered why someone that grew up in a physically abusive environment would, say, marry a person that is physically abusive. I think I know why. It's because that familiarity provides comfort in a strange way. I felt comfort hearing about God this way. I began to feel that perhaps these years that I had spent away from my old line of thinking were the cause of another trial I was experiencing. Perhaps if I again made myself right with God, this trial would disappear. But this was such a large trial in my mind, it didn't just disappear. Even when the physical trial was over, I could not get over the feeling that I was a disappointment to God. Perhaps it was because I never truly felt a part of this church. I was not allowed to be a part. I was allowed to listen and learn, but never to talk or voice my beliefs or share my testimonies. Heaven forbid I be allowed to share the gifts God had given me. I was an outsider looking in. And the doctrine... The doctrine reinforced my ideas - the spiritual torture that I could not expel from my mind. These ideas that were a magnification of everything I had felt and experienced in my early life. I began to feel as though I needed to work harder to please God. I needed to show Him, or He was going to punish me. He was going to hurt me in the worst way possible. He was going to make every fear come true. I needed to please Him. I became paranoid about what could happen. I fell into a depression. Everything in my life that had been important to me was no longer important. I failed a semester of college, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was pleasing God and working to accomplish that. In my mind, God did not want me to enjoy life. He wanted my obedience and allegiance. I had to show. I had to prove. The only time I was truly at peace was when I was asleep. Most of the time anyway, unless there were dreams. Nightmares of everything I feared.
I am a firm believer that we cannot truly heal of an abusive situation while we are in that situation. For over a year, I felt God did not want me to leave this situation. Then I truly believe God allowed the one thing to happen that would make me leave this situation. Little things had been adding up and adding up. Once He had even given me a dream with a Bible Verse pointing to the legalism that I was experiencing there. But then the one thing happened that made me leave. Even though I was not planning on leaving for good, just taking a break; I believe God had planned for that to be my exit. Just like I experienced new life earlier through my marriage and new family; God began showing me new life now.
Here is where the "Be still" part comes in. I have noticed that lately when I experience a trial, a worry, God reminds me of the "Be still." I don't have to jump in and think of all the things I need to remove or shut off or take off to please Him. I simply need to be still and know He is God. He reminds me of how He has taken care of everything in my life. He reminds me of His kindness - something I had never truly understood in my early years.
That isn't to say I do not have these same struggles at times. Believe me, I do. At times, my mind reverts back to those ideas that are so deeply rooted within me. When that happens, I remember I need to be still and trust Him. I don't need to act. I need to trust. We do not please Him by our sacrifice of ourselves on the altar of good works. We please Him by trusting Him. We please Him by having that small grain of faith within us that tells us we need to ignore the messages of perfectionism that are not from Him. Sometimes - many times - this is the hardest thing I have to do. Sometimes faith isn't easy. But it's necessary.
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