Knowing and Owning Identity
When I was growing up, I had an identity. "Be a good girl." Don't care about what anyone else thinks, but care about what "I" think. Don't do what "I" don't like. "Be like your sister is. I can't think of a better person for you to be like."
Growing up, I didn't care about what others thought, really. Anyone. I was myself as much as was possible in a controlled environment. I had my opinions. I knew which opinions I could verbalize and which ones I could not verbalize without getting into trouble. So I kept many opinions to myself.
It wasn't really too many big things about which I wanted to be heard. It was things like my own style of clothing, my own style of hair, my own style of music, going to college (that was a big one!). When I tried to express my opinions on these, there were statements such as, "Why would you like that?" or even direct arguments (like with the college thing).
So I grew up. And when my mom died, I became independent, whether I was ready for it or not. I made a lot of new decisions. Some good, some not so good. Those decisions that I should have made and lessons that I should have learned in my teenage years but couldn't. I learned. But with so many decisions, I still found myself asking, "Is this what my mom would want me to think?" I still found myself worrying that someone would get angry with me over little things. But I was living a freer life, and I was enjoying that.
Then I began attending a church that had many rules like I had growing up. It came at the worst time in my life - a time of great fear, worrying, and testing. And I began to think that perhaps I had been too free in my thinking. There were always teachings such as, "Isn't life better now? You wouldn't want to go back to before, would you?" And I kept thinking, "No, I wouldn't. I must have been displeasing God, and I don't want to do that."
I began to make my decisions based upon a set of rules again. This time, when my opinion was different, I tried to hold it in as long as I could to fool myself into thinking I didn't have that opinion in the first place. My identity - even the identity that I held on to in my growing up years - began to fade.
It took two years, but I broke away. It took two more years, but I began seeing that it is not wrong to have my own identity. It is not wrong to think my own thoughts. It is not wrong to question. It is not wrong to dress in a way that I like. It is not wrong to like music that I like.
Today, I am feeling more "me" than I ever have. I am feeling like the person God created "me" to be. Not the person He created my mom to be or the person He created a church leader to be. But me. It's a good feeling.
Growing up, I didn't care about what others thought, really. Anyone. I was myself as much as was possible in a controlled environment. I had my opinions. I knew which opinions I could verbalize and which ones I could not verbalize without getting into trouble. So I kept many opinions to myself.
It wasn't really too many big things about which I wanted to be heard. It was things like my own style of clothing, my own style of hair, my own style of music, going to college (that was a big one!). When I tried to express my opinions on these, there were statements such as, "Why would you like that?" or even direct arguments (like with the college thing).
So I grew up. And when my mom died, I became independent, whether I was ready for it or not. I made a lot of new decisions. Some good, some not so good. Those decisions that I should have made and lessons that I should have learned in my teenage years but couldn't. I learned. But with so many decisions, I still found myself asking, "Is this what my mom would want me to think?" I still found myself worrying that someone would get angry with me over little things. But I was living a freer life, and I was enjoying that.
Then I began attending a church that had many rules like I had growing up. It came at the worst time in my life - a time of great fear, worrying, and testing. And I began to think that perhaps I had been too free in my thinking. There were always teachings such as, "Isn't life better now? You wouldn't want to go back to before, would you?" And I kept thinking, "No, I wouldn't. I must have been displeasing God, and I don't want to do that."
I began to make my decisions based upon a set of rules again. This time, when my opinion was different, I tried to hold it in as long as I could to fool myself into thinking I didn't have that opinion in the first place. My identity - even the identity that I held on to in my growing up years - began to fade.
It took two years, but I broke away. It took two more years, but I began seeing that it is not wrong to have my own identity. It is not wrong to think my own thoughts. It is not wrong to question. It is not wrong to dress in a way that I like. It is not wrong to like music that I like.
Today, I am feeling more "me" than I ever have. I am feeling like the person God created "me" to be. Not the person He created my mom to be or the person He created a church leader to be. But me. It's a good feeling.
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