Happiness
A strange thought crossed my mind at work this morning. It was I really am enjoying life.
It's been a while since I could say that.
I have written about how, this past summer, I really felt God telling me I needed to do something that I enjoyed. I have written about how watching the movie Dead Poets Society spurred me to think about living for the moment, about seizing the day, about not worrying about tomorrow.
That small step has helped me so much.
I wrote a paper for college last term about helping people with intense depression. One of my suggestions was encouraging them to find something they are interested in, something they enjoy, some kind of hobby. Just focusing on that one thing can aid in the healing process - seeing the joy appear in life again.
Starting college again has been so good for me.
Growing up, my mom never liked the idea of education. (How appropriate that I would grow up to see the value in different kinds of education in our unschooling). She never received an education, even though she easily could have had she had the opportunity. I think she felt judged because of her lack of education. Like most of us so often do, when we are judged about something, we see all the things that are wrong with it. That's what my mom did. When I wanted to go to college, it always led to a big argument. None of my siblings attended college. One of my brothers wanted to, but did not take the steps to do so in a less traditional way as I have. I think she held the fact that he did not get to go to college when he wanted to against me going as well.
For years, I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could do it. I've always been the type of person that if someone told me I couldn't do something, I would do it just to show I could. It's a downfall, really, because it takes the joy out of the activity.
Then when I became involved in the church that would eventually lead to my greatest spiritual and emotional pain, one of their emphases - at least to me, personally - was that God does not qualify or train through college. He trains through experience.
While I see the value of that idea, and I do agree on many levels; that took away a joy that I had. I began to wonder if I was putting college ahead of God. Did God resent my college? It had a lot to do with the way this ideas was taught, I'm sure, coupled with the other doctrines of the church and along with my background and the idea that education was wrong or stupid or needless. But it took away something that I loved and enjoyed.
Now that I am back in college, working on my master's, I feel more fulfilled. I love learning. I love my classes. I love the excitement I feel as I work on projects. It's me. It's something that's a part of me that was taken away for so long. I can't help but feel excited about it now. And now, it's for the pure enjoyment of it. I have broken away from the things that were holding me down - including my own attitudes of trying to prove myself.
I think housechurching is good for me. My ten-year old told me something recently. He told me, "I am glad we started housechurching." I admit I was surprised, because he is my social one that thrives on time with friends and gains energy from being around other people. I asked him why. He proceeded to tell me about a dream he had when we were in the organized church. He dreamed that a church leader had an evil twin. So there was a good one and a bad one. I wondered if perhaps God had given him this dream that would later confirm for me that housechurching is the best option for our family. It is good for me, because I no longer feel judged. I am using my own spiritual gift and allowing others to do so as well. My sons are able to talk and discuss and play. It's a wonderful freedom.
I am re-discovering old joys. Little things like reading fiction and painting with my sons and going on nature walks and bike riding. I am even writing in a freer, more creative style; rather than feeling the pressure to conform to guidelines. I am no longer striving for perfection within myself. My writing proves this.
This whole new mindset has affected me profoundly. I am actually enjoying things. It's a strange but good feeling.
It's been a while since I could say that.
I have written about how, this past summer, I really felt God telling me I needed to do something that I enjoyed. I have written about how watching the movie Dead Poets Society spurred me to think about living for the moment, about seizing the day, about not worrying about tomorrow.
That small step has helped me so much.
I wrote a paper for college last term about helping people with intense depression. One of my suggestions was encouraging them to find something they are interested in, something they enjoy, some kind of hobby. Just focusing on that one thing can aid in the healing process - seeing the joy appear in life again.
Starting college again has been so good for me.
Growing up, my mom never liked the idea of education. (How appropriate that I would grow up to see the value in different kinds of education in our unschooling). She never received an education, even though she easily could have had she had the opportunity. I think she felt judged because of her lack of education. Like most of us so often do, when we are judged about something, we see all the things that are wrong with it. That's what my mom did. When I wanted to go to college, it always led to a big argument. None of my siblings attended college. One of my brothers wanted to, but did not take the steps to do so in a less traditional way as I have. I think she held the fact that he did not get to go to college when he wanted to against me going as well.
For years, I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could do it. I've always been the type of person that if someone told me I couldn't do something, I would do it just to show I could. It's a downfall, really, because it takes the joy out of the activity.
Then when I became involved in the church that would eventually lead to my greatest spiritual and emotional pain, one of their emphases - at least to me, personally - was that God does not qualify or train through college. He trains through experience.
While I see the value of that idea, and I do agree on many levels; that took away a joy that I had. I began to wonder if I was putting college ahead of God. Did God resent my college? It had a lot to do with the way this ideas was taught, I'm sure, coupled with the other doctrines of the church and along with my background and the idea that education was wrong or stupid or needless. But it took away something that I loved and enjoyed.
Now that I am back in college, working on my master's, I feel more fulfilled. I love learning. I love my classes. I love the excitement I feel as I work on projects. It's me. It's something that's a part of me that was taken away for so long. I can't help but feel excited about it now. And now, it's for the pure enjoyment of it. I have broken away from the things that were holding me down - including my own attitudes of trying to prove myself.
I think housechurching is good for me. My ten-year old told me something recently. He told me, "I am glad we started housechurching." I admit I was surprised, because he is my social one that thrives on time with friends and gains energy from being around other people. I asked him why. He proceeded to tell me about a dream he had when we were in the organized church. He dreamed that a church leader had an evil twin. So there was a good one and a bad one. I wondered if perhaps God had given him this dream that would later confirm for me that housechurching is the best option for our family. It is good for me, because I no longer feel judged. I am using my own spiritual gift and allowing others to do so as well. My sons are able to talk and discuss and play. It's a wonderful freedom.
I am re-discovering old joys. Little things like reading fiction and painting with my sons and going on nature walks and bike riding. I am even writing in a freer, more creative style; rather than feeling the pressure to conform to guidelines. I am no longer striving for perfection within myself. My writing proves this.
This whole new mindset has affected me profoundly. I am actually enjoying things. It's a strange but good feeling.
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