My Own Thoughts, My Own Actions
Growing up, everything was a secret to the outside world. Nothing was private inside the home.
That makes for an interesting conflict in my life now.
I was thinking the other day that if I am talking to one person, and another person comes up beside me; I automatically begin filling that person in on the whole conversation. I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to prove that there was nothing wrong that was said.
Yesterday, I saw a Facebook meme that reminded me so much of my mom's beliefs. It was a meme in support of extreme holiness doctrine that reminded females that if they have to wear make-up or cut their hair or "dress like a man" (in other words, wear pants) to be "accepted," they are with the wrong people. My mom believed in such ulterior motives. I have written before that she believed anything that a woman did to herself to improve her looks was done to "attract a man." It couldn't be because she liked the clothes or the hairstyle or the make-up. It couldn't be a form of expression (there was no belief in personal expression), it was only to attract someone else or to gain acceptance.
After a while, I began to question my motives. I began to think that everything I did had an evil thought behind it. I felt the need to tell everything to show that I was not sinning inadvertently. I felt privacy was wrong. Unless, of course, it was a family secret that needed to be kept. That was okay. For instance, it was okay to pretend that it was my idea to look like a little girl until I was in my twenties, because that's the way I liked to dress. I didn't. I hated it. But if I said that, people would discover that this is how I was being forced to dress.
I don't think people understand what a struggle this has been in my life. If someone has never lived through this type of brainwashing, for lack of a better word, they don't know how easy it is to fall back into this pattern. They don't get how easy it is for normal, everyday things to trigger very abnormal emotions.
I just wanted to share this, because something happened today - a conversation that made me recall all of these emotions again. Something that was really no big deal, but I was questioned about it. I felt I had to either hide or explain. There was nothing to hide or explain. There was nothing wrong, but I felt that I needed to.
I guess I just want to offer a word of advice to parents. Don't ever make your kids feel as though they have to explain; as though every action had a deep, dark ulterior motive. Don't ever make your kids feel as though every part of them is evil. Give your kids privacy and don't make them keep your secrets to keep you from looking abusive or controlling or wrong. Don't brainwash your kids. As sad as it sounds, there are sects, religions, and ideologies that promote these very things. Run as far away from these doctrines as you can. Escape the paranoia before it hurts those you love the most.
That makes for an interesting conflict in my life now.
I was thinking the other day that if I am talking to one person, and another person comes up beside me; I automatically begin filling that person in on the whole conversation. I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to prove that there was nothing wrong that was said.
Yesterday, I saw a Facebook meme that reminded me so much of my mom's beliefs. It was a meme in support of extreme holiness doctrine that reminded females that if they have to wear make-up or cut their hair or "dress like a man" (in other words, wear pants) to be "accepted," they are with the wrong people. My mom believed in such ulterior motives. I have written before that she believed anything that a woman did to herself to improve her looks was done to "attract a man." It couldn't be because she liked the clothes or the hairstyle or the make-up. It couldn't be a form of expression (there was no belief in personal expression), it was only to attract someone else or to gain acceptance.
After a while, I began to question my motives. I began to think that everything I did had an evil thought behind it. I felt the need to tell everything to show that I was not sinning inadvertently. I felt privacy was wrong. Unless, of course, it was a family secret that needed to be kept. That was okay. For instance, it was okay to pretend that it was my idea to look like a little girl until I was in my twenties, because that's the way I liked to dress. I didn't. I hated it. But if I said that, people would discover that this is how I was being forced to dress.
I don't think people understand what a struggle this has been in my life. If someone has never lived through this type of brainwashing, for lack of a better word, they don't know how easy it is to fall back into this pattern. They don't get how easy it is for normal, everyday things to trigger very abnormal emotions.
I just wanted to share this, because something happened today - a conversation that made me recall all of these emotions again. Something that was really no big deal, but I was questioned about it. I felt I had to either hide or explain. There was nothing to hide or explain. There was nothing wrong, but I felt that I needed to.
I guess I just want to offer a word of advice to parents. Don't ever make your kids feel as though they have to explain; as though every action had a deep, dark ulterior motive. Don't ever make your kids feel as though every part of them is evil. Give your kids privacy and don't make them keep your secrets to keep you from looking abusive or controlling or wrong. Don't brainwash your kids. As sad as it sounds, there are sects, religions, and ideologies that promote these very things. Run as far away from these doctrines as you can. Escape the paranoia before it hurts those you love the most.
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