Mistaken Identity
"I am tired of not actually having a place. I feel like if I don't have the right last name, I will never be a part. I am looked down upon and judged because I do things differently."
"That is not true. That is not how it is. You are over-analyzing."
That is an example of how the conversation began when I attended a spiritually abusive church. Eventually, after continuing to voice my concerns, it turned to,
"You need to know your identity instead of allowing other people to dictate that."
The thing is, this is the one time in my life that I did question my identity. Even through emotional abuse in my childhood, I knew who I was. I could see the abuse for what it was. This was different, though.
This spiritual abuse hit me at a low point in my life. I had gone through a tremendous health worry. The scrupulosity that had been with me since childhood was stronger than it ever had been. Telling me to see my own identity only intensified my belief that I was displeasing God by feeling the "negative" thoughts I was experiencing. I felt as though I must think positively if I wanted to please God, because seeing the negative - particularly in a group of His people - well, that was nothing short of the devil's working.
This is just an example of how society's insistence upon thinking positively can keep people in toxic, often abusive, situations. I personally know women who are in situations of domestic abuse who believe they just need to keep a positive attitude and it will all be okay.
One of my favorite movies is the adaptation of Stephen King's Rose Red. In one heartbreaking scene, one character sees his friend dying of a heart attack; but he is convinced he is simply seeing spirits in a haunted house. In response, he covers his ears and closes his eyes and screams, "Not there! Not there! Not there!" When he opens his eyes, his friend has died.
This is a good pop culture illustration of how being forced to think positively about negative situations can harm. We can be in situations that are harmful to us mentally, spiritually, or even physically; and we are taught to close our eyes and plug our ears and envision sunshine and rainbows and kittens running through meadows. We are told to remember those situations do not change our identity, so we should forget about it. Eventually we begin to question reality. We begin to doubt our own value, who we really are. This is nothing short of a tragedy.
I believe the fear of negativity is ingrained in us, as a society. We are taught from childhood to obey, to follow the rules, to respect other people (especially our elders and those in authority). We are taught to study hard and get good grades and to sit with our hands in our laps and listen to what others have to say.
We are indirectly educated into believing that ignoring a negative situation will make everything better. I'm here to say, from experience, it doesn't. It may mask the problems for a while. But behind the brick wall of daisies is still a sewer that eventually has to be addressed. Until it is, we only enable. Real healing does not occur.
"That is not true. That is not how it is. You are over-analyzing."
That is an example of how the conversation began when I attended a spiritually abusive church. Eventually, after continuing to voice my concerns, it turned to,
"You need to know your identity instead of allowing other people to dictate that."
The thing is, this is the one time in my life that I did question my identity. Even through emotional abuse in my childhood, I knew who I was. I could see the abuse for what it was. This was different, though.
This spiritual abuse hit me at a low point in my life. I had gone through a tremendous health worry. The scrupulosity that had been with me since childhood was stronger than it ever had been. Telling me to see my own identity only intensified my belief that I was displeasing God by feeling the "negative" thoughts I was experiencing. I felt as though I must think positively if I wanted to please God, because seeing the negative - particularly in a group of His people - well, that was nothing short of the devil's working.
This is just an example of how society's insistence upon thinking positively can keep people in toxic, often abusive, situations. I personally know women who are in situations of domestic abuse who believe they just need to keep a positive attitude and it will all be okay.
One of my favorite movies is the adaptation of Stephen King's Rose Red. In one heartbreaking scene, one character sees his friend dying of a heart attack; but he is convinced he is simply seeing spirits in a haunted house. In response, he covers his ears and closes his eyes and screams, "Not there! Not there! Not there!" When he opens his eyes, his friend has died.
This is a good pop culture illustration of how being forced to think positively about negative situations can harm. We can be in situations that are harmful to us mentally, spiritually, or even physically; and we are taught to close our eyes and plug our ears and envision sunshine and rainbows and kittens running through meadows. We are told to remember those situations do not change our identity, so we should forget about it. Eventually we begin to question reality. We begin to doubt our own value, who we really are. This is nothing short of a tragedy.
I believe the fear of negativity is ingrained in us, as a society. We are taught from childhood to obey, to follow the rules, to respect other people (especially our elders and those in authority). We are taught to study hard and get good grades and to sit with our hands in our laps and listen to what others have to say.
We are indirectly educated into believing that ignoring a negative situation will make everything better. I'm here to say, from experience, it doesn't. It may mask the problems for a while. But behind the brick wall of daisies is still a sewer that eventually has to be addressed. Until it is, we only enable. Real healing does not occur.
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