Emotions and Struggles
How does one write things about their pasts without sounding as though they are complaining or degrading?
I recently had a emotional meltdown over Thanksgiving schedules. Feeling guilty because I could not get a schedule that would fit everyone's needs, so I had to go with the one that fit the needs of my immediate family. I cried most of that night at work. I was glad I was primarily working alone.
It wasn't just the issue of schedules that bothered me. That one episode of feeling like I had to give up a piece of my own happiness to make everyone else happy brought back so many memories from my childhood and early adulthood. I thought of a time my mom became angry when I got a doll for Christmas and my niece who is close to my age did not. When my mom got angry, it lasted for days. I remembered the time she told me she did not like my kindergarten teacher, because she was coming back to work after having a baby and my mom did not agree with that. I felt like I, then, shouldn't like her either. I remembered the intense arguments when I started college by correspondence and it became a source of constant arguments because my brother had wanted to go to college but either couldn't or didn't. He never tried going online. He had a way set that he wanted to go. Which is great. But I knew I couldn't go with the traditional route. My mom would not have allowed it. So I did the next best thing and started classes through correspondence. Maybe he should have, too? Maybe I shouldn't have been made to feel guilty because I took the next-best-thing when he didn't.
All these memories came flooding back, because they were times that my happiness - things that I really enjoyed - had the joy taken out of them because of someone else. It's not that I'm not willing to give up and give of myself. I am. But I don't think it's wrong to want some happiness for myself, either. But because of my background, I struggle with guilt. I struggle with feeling like every decision I make in which I consider myself is selfish.
That's when the scrupulosity kicks in. I have to say, right now it is better since I have actually learned what it is. But those thoughts always come back to haunt me. Those thoughts that I'm displeasing God by thinking of myself. Those thoughts that maybe God will punish me for being so selfish.
I'm learning to deal with them in different ways. Maybe it sounds strange, but I painted my fingernails today to show the emotions I was feeling. Had this happened in the previous months, I would never have done that. I would have felt that God was going to punish me more for doing this.
Tonight, my sons stayed up late and helped me clean house to get ready for our family Thanksgiving. (I like a nice, clean house on holidays. Just a "me" thing, I guess). Then we reminisced over some of their old baby pictures. They enjoyed that. So did I.
I recently had a emotional meltdown over Thanksgiving schedules. Feeling guilty because I could not get a schedule that would fit everyone's needs, so I had to go with the one that fit the needs of my immediate family. I cried most of that night at work. I was glad I was primarily working alone.
It wasn't just the issue of schedules that bothered me. That one episode of feeling like I had to give up a piece of my own happiness to make everyone else happy brought back so many memories from my childhood and early adulthood. I thought of a time my mom became angry when I got a doll for Christmas and my niece who is close to my age did not. When my mom got angry, it lasted for days. I remembered the time she told me she did not like my kindergarten teacher, because she was coming back to work after having a baby and my mom did not agree with that. I felt like I, then, shouldn't like her either. I remembered the intense arguments when I started college by correspondence and it became a source of constant arguments because my brother had wanted to go to college but either couldn't or didn't. He never tried going online. He had a way set that he wanted to go. Which is great. But I knew I couldn't go with the traditional route. My mom would not have allowed it. So I did the next best thing and started classes through correspondence. Maybe he should have, too? Maybe I shouldn't have been made to feel guilty because I took the next-best-thing when he didn't.
All these memories came flooding back, because they were times that my happiness - things that I really enjoyed - had the joy taken out of them because of someone else. It's not that I'm not willing to give up and give of myself. I am. But I don't think it's wrong to want some happiness for myself, either. But because of my background, I struggle with guilt. I struggle with feeling like every decision I make in which I consider myself is selfish.
That's when the scrupulosity kicks in. I have to say, right now it is better since I have actually learned what it is. But those thoughts always come back to haunt me. Those thoughts that I'm displeasing God by thinking of myself. Those thoughts that maybe God will punish me for being so selfish.
I'm learning to deal with them in different ways. Maybe it sounds strange, but I painted my fingernails today to show the emotions I was feeling. Had this happened in the previous months, I would never have done that. I would have felt that God was going to punish me more for doing this.
Tonight, my sons stayed up late and helped me clean house to get ready for our family Thanksgiving. (I like a nice, clean house on holidays. Just a "me" thing, I guess). Then we reminisced over some of their old baby pictures. They enjoyed that. So did I.
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