Parenting
So often, when we think of Biblical parenting, we think of the traditional ideals we have been taught. We think of the need to correct. We think of the need for discipline. We think of the need to be a real parent in a world where parents strive to be friends. But is that the only ideal of Biblical parenting?
I have been writing a lot about this past week about the effects of both good and bad parenting for a class I am taking. I have written about the four "parenting styles" that we are all probably familiar with - authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and the one that we all are supposed to strive for, authoritative. Authoritarian parents take the view "It's my way or the highway." There are rules that are to be followed, no matter what. No reason for breaking the rules. Obedience is key. Permissive parenting is the direct opposite of authoritarian parenting. It is permitting pretty much anything. Uninvolved is the style of parents who feel they just do not have time (or that do not have the desire) to be involved in their kids' lives. Authoritative is flexible parenting. It is setting rules, but being flexible with those rules, allowing kids to understand why they are in place.
I really do not fall into any of the above categories. Growing up in a very authoritarian home, I probably lean toward being too permissive at times. At other times, I flash back to my authoritarian roots and the reasons that I heard over and over for this type of environment. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. It is especially prevalent when I am around other authoritarian parents - the ones who give you the look like why is your child not perfect like their child is. You may know what I mean.
But when it comes down to it, I do not want perfect kids. I guess it comes down to my belief that we are not supposed to be perfect. As I have written this week, I have been reminded of how our parenting style can often have the opposite effect of what we intend.
The Bible Verse that I always think of when I think of the parent I strive to be is, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NIV). My goal is to live this Verse. I believe the idea of "provoking your children to wrath" is key.
Jesus was pretty adamant about this. He says in Mark 9:42, "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." He says this right before he talks about cutting off our hands and feet if they cause us to sin, because it is better that we go through the world with no hands and feet than to face eternal consequences. That is pretty strong language.
Just how do we cause a little one to turn against Him? Generally, in the Christian arena, we think of being too permissive. Those parents who do not set enough rules, who do not disciple enough are turning their children against God! Those stupid parents. They don't realize what they're doing.
But I propose what about those parents who provoke their children to anger? Just think with me for a moment. We, as parents, believe that eventually kids will see the importance of our rules. After all, discipline and correction show love. They will understand why we, their parents, do not remember what it was like growing up under such rules. They will understand why we just could not be flexible. But do they really?
I believe there are two consequences of too many rules and too much discipline. First of all, it results in kids that cannot think for themselves and do not know how to handle real life. When their parents are taken out of the equation, they go crazy. It's not necessarily rebellion. It's not knowing. That happened when my mom died. No one who was under her immediate influence knew how to live. They had never been given the opportunity. Living often angered - infuriated - her. So we had to close the box on life. We had to exist in a one-dimensional world. When the world became multi-faceted in a matter of weeks, no one knew how to react. I have seen this time after time. How about the eighteen-year old that can't wait to move out of their parents' home? When they do, what do they do? They live their lives completely opposite of their parents. This includes any Biblical teaching they may have heard - that may have been drilled into them during their childhood. How about the fifteen-year olds who sneak around while pretending to be moral, upright kids? You know the ones. The ones from church youth groups who are the pillars of society, until they get caught. Maybe a pregnancy. Maybe drugs. It can be many things. They pretended to live the rules. They were pretty good at it. However, underneath it all, they were hurting. They were wanting to know a little bit about life. They learned. Sometimes the hard way.
I firmly believe these harsh parenting styles provoke children to anger. They even push kids into sometimes turning against God. Sometimes I've seen parents who have learned their lesson. They realize what they have done. Others just chalk up the blame to the devil and rebellion and all that other stuff and keep believing they are the perfect parent. Tough love and all.
I often think about how my life has changed. My mom never met my husband. She never met my sons. But to be honest, I would never have either if she had lived. I know that sounds horrible, but she never allowed even thinking about the opposite sex. That is something that I struggle with, even now. Sometimes I don't know how to resolve that struggle. So I just keep going on, knowing that I want better for my sons. I want them to do things wrong, so that they can figure out what's right. I want them know that even if they make decisions that I do not agree with, they do not have to worry about me turning my back on them. I want them to know that none of us are perfect. I want them to know that God understands that, too.
I have been writing a lot about this past week about the effects of both good and bad parenting for a class I am taking. I have written about the four "parenting styles" that we are all probably familiar with - authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and the one that we all are supposed to strive for, authoritative. Authoritarian parents take the view "It's my way or the highway." There are rules that are to be followed, no matter what. No reason for breaking the rules. Obedience is key. Permissive parenting is the direct opposite of authoritarian parenting. It is permitting pretty much anything. Uninvolved is the style of parents who feel they just do not have time (or that do not have the desire) to be involved in their kids' lives. Authoritative is flexible parenting. It is setting rules, but being flexible with those rules, allowing kids to understand why they are in place.
I really do not fall into any of the above categories. Growing up in a very authoritarian home, I probably lean toward being too permissive at times. At other times, I flash back to my authoritarian roots and the reasons that I heard over and over for this type of environment. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. It is especially prevalent when I am around other authoritarian parents - the ones who give you the look like why is your child not perfect like their child is. You may know what I mean.
But when it comes down to it, I do not want perfect kids. I guess it comes down to my belief that we are not supposed to be perfect. As I have written this week, I have been reminded of how our parenting style can often have the opposite effect of what we intend.
The Bible Verse that I always think of when I think of the parent I strive to be is, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NIV). My goal is to live this Verse. I believe the idea of "provoking your children to wrath" is key.
Jesus was pretty adamant about this. He says in Mark 9:42, "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." He says this right before he talks about cutting off our hands and feet if they cause us to sin, because it is better that we go through the world with no hands and feet than to face eternal consequences. That is pretty strong language.
Just how do we cause a little one to turn against Him? Generally, in the Christian arena, we think of being too permissive. Those parents who do not set enough rules, who do not disciple enough are turning their children against God! Those stupid parents. They don't realize what they're doing.
But I propose what about those parents who provoke their children to anger? Just think with me for a moment. We, as parents, believe that eventually kids will see the importance of our rules. After all, discipline and correction show love. They will understand why we, their parents, do not remember what it was like growing up under such rules. They will understand why we just could not be flexible. But do they really?
I believe there are two consequences of too many rules and too much discipline. First of all, it results in kids that cannot think for themselves and do not know how to handle real life. When their parents are taken out of the equation, they go crazy. It's not necessarily rebellion. It's not knowing. That happened when my mom died. No one who was under her immediate influence knew how to live. They had never been given the opportunity. Living often angered - infuriated - her. So we had to close the box on life. We had to exist in a one-dimensional world. When the world became multi-faceted in a matter of weeks, no one knew how to react. I have seen this time after time. How about the eighteen-year old that can't wait to move out of their parents' home? When they do, what do they do? They live their lives completely opposite of their parents. This includes any Biblical teaching they may have heard - that may have been drilled into them during their childhood. How about the fifteen-year olds who sneak around while pretending to be moral, upright kids? You know the ones. The ones from church youth groups who are the pillars of society, until they get caught. Maybe a pregnancy. Maybe drugs. It can be many things. They pretended to live the rules. They were pretty good at it. However, underneath it all, they were hurting. They were wanting to know a little bit about life. They learned. Sometimes the hard way.
I firmly believe these harsh parenting styles provoke children to anger. They even push kids into sometimes turning against God. Sometimes I've seen parents who have learned their lesson. They realize what they have done. Others just chalk up the blame to the devil and rebellion and all that other stuff and keep believing they are the perfect parent. Tough love and all.
I often think about how my life has changed. My mom never met my husband. She never met my sons. But to be honest, I would never have either if she had lived. I know that sounds horrible, but she never allowed even thinking about the opposite sex. That is something that I struggle with, even now. Sometimes I don't know how to resolve that struggle. So I just keep going on, knowing that I want better for my sons. I want them to do things wrong, so that they can figure out what's right. I want them know that even if they make decisions that I do not agree with, they do not have to worry about me turning my back on them. I want them to know that none of us are perfect. I want them to know that God understands that, too.
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